Thursday, June 3, 2010

Memorial Day and Dicks - 2 Great Things That Do Not Go Great Together

I had another knock-down, drag-out fight with Audrey over the weekend. We were catching up on how things are going at The Business when she asked who was working Memorial Day. When I told her no one is working, she blew up on me.

If Thanksgiving is the Mother of all massage weekends, then Memorial Day is the red-headed bastard stepchild. Unlike Thanksgiving, there are no herds of single guys driving 6 hours cross country to get to Grandma's house for dinner. Instead, carloads of families are driving 1 hour to get to Aunties house for BBQ. So it's absolutely dead here. Why would I make anyone stay?

But Audrey would always insist on working this weekend - and dragging one of us along with her for what turns into an exercise in humiliation. You see, the only customers who bother to show up at times like this are Audrey's Regulars. So we'll sit there all day watching Audrey take every customer who walks through that door. Once you've heard "oh he's one of mine" for the 6th time in a row, you're ready to scream.

Now that Audrey's Regulars have either settled on one of us, or left all together, there are few surprise walk-ins left. And that's why I decided to close The Business on Monday. But Queen Bitch didn't agree, so she yelled at me until I suggested that there's nothing preventing her lazy ass from coming in here and working that day. She DID NOT find that amusing and promptly hung up on me.


Since that story was kind of a bummer, I thought I'd leave you with this one instead. In response to one your intelligent and thought provoking questions from last week, I will describe the weirdest penises I've ever seen.

Big Balls
The one that I will never forget was actually perfectly normal in appearance. It was his balls that were shocking. I swear to Gawd they were the size of grapefruits. EACH ONE. The guy must have been 300 pounds, so you couldn't tell he was packing those melons just by looking at him. But when he got up on that table, my jaw just dropped open. His dick looked like a twig sticking out of pumpkin patch!

The Puffy Dick,
Probably the most bizarre dick I've ever seen was uncircumcised. It wasn't the foreskin that was weird, it was all of the skin - puffy and swollen looking. Made his dick look like a raw Italian sausage that had been left out in the sun for a week. Turns out he wasn't diseased or anything, it was just the way his dick has always looked - discolored in a really disgusting unfortunate kinda way. Definitely the kinda guy you need to fuck in the dark.

Mr. Perfect
And lastly, I have to tell you about the most memorable cock I've ever had the pleasure to meet. This guy had the absolutely most beautiful dick I've ever seen.

It was BIG - but not in the "you're gonna stick that WHERE?" kinda way. The length to girth ratio was so perfect that if he were my boyfriend I would have run out of the room and started high-fiving total strangers while yelling "cha-ching!" The shaft was perfectly smooth with no weird veins popping out - perfect for stroking. And the head was nicely rounded with that extra bit of width that makes the initial insertion unbearably intense yet oh-so-nice.

I'm getting chills just thinking about him.

Now what made him so memorable (and freaky) was the fact that this most perfect of penises was attached to a 70 year old man. I found myself both repulsed and intrigued at the same time. I guess the best way I could describe this feeling to my male readers out there would be to imagine a 70 year old woman with a fantastic boob job.

And with that image in your heads for the weekend, I will bid you......... toodles.



Little Red said...

Yeah, Memorial Day was dead for me too. Loved the dick descriptions, lol.

vorpal said...

>If Thanksgiving is the Mother of all massage weekends ...

I'd just like to point out that according to this info-graphic, Thanksgiving is the least popular day of the year for looking at porn on the Internet:

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! Oh my gosh how perfect and horrible! I like to think that genitals go away after the age of 50 or so depending on the person. I don't mind a bit of colour and veinage on a dick, obviously not heaps but a bit of character is ok . Good on you for saying that to audrey

Anonymous said...

I went to an AMP in Phoenix for my 2nd time ever today, and got my happy ending for a $40 tip(she wanted $60 originally for hj) after she told me to turn over and whispered to me "what do you want?" The 1st time I saw this Chinese massuse she was kinda pissed that I got an hour massage from her and only tipped her $30(apparently for just a massage she wants $20 tip per 30 min), so no happy ending, but she really gives a great massage. She told me she worked 14 hour days and this month 7 days a week, because she is trying to raise $1,600 to fly back to China to see her family for a couple of months this year. But when I asked her how many people she massaged all day(I saw her at closing), she said she only had 3 customers. Also, I know she drives the Lexus SUV that is in the front of the business, and she pays $500 a month for it, which she said she borrowed 10K from her Brother who is a doctor in China for a down payment on it. So to me this Asian massuse is on like a U.S. tour for a few years(until her arms give out), becasue she can make more money giving Americans hjs then working in China apparently.

Anonymous said...

do you not like small ones? just curious as to if you're a size queen.

do you just like big ones better but not dislike small ones?

Anonymous said...

Uh... who cares what CJ likes?! Seriously.

Those dicks & balls DID sound diseased to me. You described water retention, and that could come from all kinds of health problems that those guys may have been unaware of, or unwilling to discuss with you. You may be a "therapist", but you're no doctor... =)

Whatever the case may have been, I'd be leery of touching those. Would you massage blisters? Near so many blood vessels?