Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Wife

I was inspired last week by the Q&A to tell some jealous wife stories. It's never fun to have to deal with them. Luckily, most of my encounters are over the phone, but occasionally one will actually come in to see for herself what her husband is spending all his money on.

It usually happens after the wife gets hold of the credit card statement because we do not issue receipts unless requested (business guys do this when they can expense us as "client entertainment"). The inevitable phone call usually goes something like this:

Me: "Thank you for calling The Business. How can I help you?"
Angry Wife: "What kind of place is this?!"
Me: "This is a day spa ma'am. We offer tanning services and therapeutic massage therapy."

I've gotten this kind of call often enough that I know when it's time to switch to Legit Mode. This little script of mine usually throws them off for 3 reasons:

1) They were really expecting me to say "Haroooow. Bang-COCK spa. We wuv yoo long time."
2) They can't picture their spouse needing a tan or a massage.
3) They are turned on by the idea of a tan and massage, and secretly hope their husband was buying them a gift certificate (or several gift certificates over the span of 4 weeks according to the credit card statement).

So if I haven't thrown them off their husbands scent already, they'll continue the interrogation. "So what on Earth costs "$200 there?!"

I want to say "Me naked on the table with my tits wrapped around your husbands cock" but instead I usually say "The 90 minute get-away tan and relaxation package." Then I pray that the poor sap of a husband is smart enough go with this and make it sound believable. More than once I've been able to parlay this into an emergency gift certificate - basically doubling the cost of the original handjob under investigation.

Then there are the women who actually come find us. I've been fortunate enough to convince most of them that we're legit. Whenever I've had an obviously angry wife standing at the counter, I've just put on my business face and given them the quick tour like she's a new customer to prove we have a real tanning bed and massage tables.

For most of these women, the only concept they have of a "massage parlor" they probably got from bad late-night Cinemax movies. So they're expecting to see stained mattresses, red lights, bead curtains, and a hostess in sleazy lingerie. They are not expecting aromatherapy candles, Enya music, a complete line of tanning products for sale, and me in my polo shirt and khaki's.

I've only had 1 really angry wife who didn't believe a word I said and demanded to see our logbooks. I told her that's private customer business and I can't do that, etc. Eventually she left, but I think there was going to be one unhappy husband that night.

Now Audrey's the one who got it bad one day. She once got a wife that basically knew what her husband was up to and wanted to find the "whore" he was doing it with. At this point whenever I get an angry phone caller looking for "That Whore" I usually just forward her to Audrey.

This woman was out of control. She was screaming and yelling and threatening to sue us and call the police. Eventually, we were able to get her out the door. Then as a final bit of revenge on Audrey, she started to key what she presumed was Audrey's car out in the parking lot.

She presumed wrong.

Luckily it wasn't mine either! In fact, I'm not sure we ever figured out who's car it was.

And that's it for wife stories. Now I know what the first question will be, so I will save you the time and answer it right now.

Yes - I have had a customer's wife as a customer. After a guy does a really convincing song and dance to his wife about how badly he needed "therapy" for his back after lifting that box at work, the wife sometimes gets intrigued enough to check us out for herself. Of course the guy is usually shitting a brick when I'm taking care of his wife, but I'm 100% business when I need to be.

And when she comes home in a good mood after her massage, the husband realizes he has a free pass to come back whenever he wants. It's a win-win for everyone!

CJ

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I *really* want an erotic massage but I'm afraid I'll get caught on camera, busted in a sting and arrested.

Any ideas on how to avoid such a situation?

Anonymous said...

Every worry about Herpes.

David said...

you double posted, not that we mind reading it twice.

Anonymous said...

never dawned on me that you would help to cover for the married guy. i assumed that he would be under the bus at that point.

so why the asian massage parlor issues with you? curious.

Sarah said...

Speaking as a working girl who practices the ultimate in discretion, which means not letting wives/girlfriends/partners find out what their bloke is getting up to, and realising how hurtful this must be for them if they do find phone numbers, or discover incriminating Internet activity, I would say your post on this subject is distasteful and lacks any empathy for them. I am ashamed to be a fellow worker when there are ladies like you with this attitude in this industry.

It's people like you who help to keep us in the gutter.

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

Before you step down from your moral high road (with your "ultimate in discretion" and all that), I have a simple question for you:

What alternative does CJ have? Do you really expect her to say, "Yes, this place is exactly what you think it is. I have personally gotten your husband/boyfriend off multiple times and oh, by the way, why don't you call the police on us"?

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

I find your comment kind of confusing. I must assume that you are trying to convey some sort of humor or sarcasm of some kind that isn't coming across correctly in text.

When they're dealing with an angry wife, they may as well be dealing with some sort of law enforcement as that could be the next step on The Business.

Also, it's not CJ's responsibility to deal with the family issues. If the guy really cared that much about discretion, he wouldn't be whipping the credit card out there. He'd pay with cash. It's like that funny commercial a while back where the guy is showing the credit card statement to his wife saying, "$300 for a massage? I don't remember paying $300 for a massage." Not that smart.

I also don't think CJ offers the same services as you.

Al Sensu said...

I don't know if Sarah takes credit cards, but she definitely doesn't pose as a vanilla business with a storefront, so there is no way she is likely to be confronted in the way The Business is.

CJ, as always, you are funny, smart and a hell of a good writer. And the married guys who pay with credit cards....c'mon!

Ming said...

Awesome post. I discovered this blog a few days ago and couldn't stop reading until I finished all of them.

That point 3 about wives hoping it was a secret gift from their husbands is really brilliant. I never thought about that.

Tom said...

Sarah;

I'm not sure if you're misreading CJ, or if we're misreading you -- it seems that you're saying that since CJ has had angry wives contacting her about The Business (and dealt with it with aplomb!), due to no fault of her own (it's not like she can force husbands into discretion), that CJ is therefore a bad person.

No, the husband is the one being a bad person. Although, I'd say that getting a Happy Ending from a masseuse is a shade less bad than a husband spending the value of an Audi A4 on several ladies who promise to practice "the ultimate in discretion," and engaging in extramarital sex while his wife attends to a sick relative.

Honestly, all CJ does(as do you!) is provide the outlet for people to do things that they would do anyhow -- just in a safer, more controlled setting (let's face it, seeing a pro for a little bit on the side is safer for the cheater than trolling a bar, right?). If she (and you) weren't in business, they'd be "working late" with that new secretary in Accounting, or "entertaining clients" in some meatmarket bar, and dealing with the attendant fallout.

Anonymous said...

The husband and the masseuse are equally bad. I'd even argue that the husband is engaging in pathological behavior similar to that of an addict, whereas CJ is acting amorally, like a heroin dealer.

And while I agree with Sarah that CJ lacks empathy for the wives here, I think it's also incredibly humorous to see someone that sleeps with married men for money argue about the ethical way to do so.

Incidentally, fuck the fucking blackhawks.

Anonymous said...

Why would a guy use a credit card? Sorry. The stupidity is baffling.

mommasboy said...

@ sarah - you're a fucking hypocrite. You're a prostitute...excuse me - 'call girl', and you're berating a woman who gives massages with happy endings. Cj doesn't make the promise of a 'girl friend experience' like you do, and as such you entice men emotionally as well as physically. So you tell us which version you think creates more of an adverse environment for a married guy - a detached hand job, or a refuge from his marriage? Fucking twit.

@ anon analogizing CJ to a crack dealer - Get a fucking grip.

In both your cases you're blaming eve for offering adam the apple. Adam knows the rules, if he breaks them it's his responsibility.

geivets said...

I think most would agree that CJ is doing an admirable job at protecting The Business legally and her customers from their spouses. The creativity and calmness of her approach sets her apart. She's honoring the unwritten rule of confidentiality and its a two way street. Perahaps Sarah is a bitter wife and not a service provider? Thanks for the insights CJ.

Anonymous said...

Sarah, If you feel that your life is in the gutter, that's your responsibility.

Anonymous said...

while i don't think sarah is necessarily in a position to judge or that she made her point well i do see where she is coming from and i also got the same impression from her post. No one is saying she shouldn't protect the business, that's just stupid not to but to say things such as "it's a win win for everyone" may come across as a bit heartless.
Also to the one who asked why a man would use a credit card, have you considered the posibilties that
a) he thought his wife trusted his sorry bum and wouldnt read the statement or
b) he didnt have a spare $200 to go spending on a hj so he used borrowed money?

cj said...

Hey guys - sorry I'm so late in answering questions, but here goes...


Anon,
You've just been watching too many episodes of "Cops." The chances of you getting arrested are almost zero. There are no such thing as "sting" parlors.

Asian places have been known for keeping cameras in the rooms, but it's to make sure the girls aren't ripping off the owners.


2nd Anon,
Nope. Contact with bodily fluids is kept to a minimum. Mostly.


Sarah,
I'm sorry, but you lost me on this one. As I said in the post, I don't tell anyone anything. Client confidentiality is #1 priority else it would kill business pretty damn quick.

As far as empathy goes, it's not clear if you think I don't care about either the husbands or the wives. Look, I don't agree with husbands lying to their wives about anything, but in the end it's not my business. Customers come in here of their own free will, and I don't screen them for marriage certificates. Is it a shame that wives are getting hurt - yes. That's why I've always frowned upon the married guys who come in, and would never date a guy who goes to massage parlors.


Al,
You'd be shocked at how many guys try to use credit cards. As policy we usually say "no" to most requests, but we do make exceptions with Audrey's approval. That's to protect both us and the client.

Single guys can get away with it, and other guys can actually charge it to their job! But married guys - wow you gotta be desperate to try to get away with that.

CJ

Anonymous said...

"For most of these women, the only concept they have of a "massage parlor" they probably got from bad late-night Cinemax movies."

Follows:

"Haroooow. Bang-COCK spa. We wuv yoo long time."

Comedy!

And then, this: "You've just been watching too many episodes of "Cops." The chances of you getting arrested are almost zero. There are no such thing as "sting" parlors."

Ever heard of Inglewood, CA? It's "Stinglewood" on the monger forums for a reason. Stings and raids happen. I know it's bad for business to mention it. Then again, it mostly goes down in AMPs so who cares!

I'm not trying to pick on you, CJ, there's just so much to argue with on this blog...

Mike said...

If you're married and you use a credit card to pay at a Massage Parlor you deserve to have your wife leave you because you're a fucking idiot.