Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Let the Pageant of Freaks Begin…

The parade started early this week. Audrey has interviewed 3 people so far. I insist on being there whenever she has someone come in since she’s such a retard when it comes to hiring. She has this habit of picking these basket cases with a sob story because she’s a sucker. She also knows that if they don’t work out, she’ll just stick them on our shifts. What a bitch.

This is why I take such an interest. Think I wanna spend 40 hours of my week with some coked up skank who’s trying to get her hands in my purse? No way.

So anyway, last Saturday Audrey brought in someone who called last week about a job. Our want ad hadn’t appeared by then, so I assume she’s just a random caller looking for work. We get like 1 or 2 calls a week. What I don’t like about them is that they’re usually just people passing through town, looking to make some quick cash. More than once I’ve had my purse emptied by some girl who’d been working for a week before she vanishes from the face of the planet.

Well the first interviewee was a real winner. A pretty girl with scraggly brown hair. She was really skinny, so in her yellow jogging suit she reminded me of a corn dog. She looked really beat, and when I took a close look at her I could tell she hadn’t even washed her face that morning. Audrey sat her down and started asking her questions. She kept slurring her words and nodding off as if she was in dire need of a cup of coffee. Everything about her screamed “junkie.”

The next girl came in Tuesday. She was a bit chunky, with really short hair – practically shaved. And one of those piercings in her eyebrows.

Let me take a break here and explain what we’re looking for. In general, massage parlors are not known for their cleanliness. At The Business, we try to look as professional as we can to make the place look legitimate, but most importantly to put our clients at ease. Customers want above all else a girl who looks clean. Anything that reminds a guy of drugs or disease – total turnoff. Things like: piercings, tattoos, bags under the eyes, scars, needle tracks, etc.

Back to Girl #2. She said she just came from a place in New York City and was moving to our neck of the woods with her boyfriend. We always check references, so we asked her the name of her previous Business. This is when she got weird. Said her last job just changed names – couldn’t remember the phone number – not sure of the address… blah blah blah.

Worked there for over a year and you can’t remember the phone number? Are you kidding me! What number did you call after you got wasted and missed 3 shifts?

Audrey was being wishy-washy about this girls lack of answers, so I just said told her we’d call 411 for the number. This is when the girl blurted “I changed my mind” and left. Adios bitch.

The last girl to come in was a fat crack-ho with a local address. As Audrey talked to her, I noticed that she kept tossing her hair and rubbing her legs. I knew something was up so I asked her what’s wrong. She said her legs hurt - another sign of a junkie. She’s either jonesing for prescription drugs or heroine. Your body hurts like that when you’re coming down off those things.

So those are this weeks winners. Ya see now why I hate interviewing? All you guys out there – feel free to forward your girlfriends/wives/sisters/moms resumes to me.



Historical Wit said...

At least you got mad perception skillz to ward of the freaks. I didn't know that about the legs hurting, good to know....

zencycle said...

Have you though of posting an ad at the local strip clubs? My experience with 'exotic dancers' is that, while many are of the dubious character you're trying to avoid, Many of them are also simply working for a living, like you seem to be.

worth a shot, no?

cj said...

Dear Zen,

Good question. I was starting to answer then realized it's a bit more complicated than I thought, so the next post is dedicated to you.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to drop a line to say keep it up! I just plowed through all your posts in the last day. Very good stuff. btw I found your blog from CCGs comments.

Henrietta Hussy said...

sounds like when I posted an add on craigslist for a new roommate... it got better though. some hot french guy ended up moving in, in case you were wondering.