Monday, May 5, 2008

Now Hiring

I hate interviewing.

Luna’s been gone almost 2 weeks now and we still haven’t found anyone to replace her. The awful thing about hiring for a job that’s just below the law is that you can’t put up an ad that says:

HELP WANTED: Female masseuse. Clothing optional environment. Available nights and weekends. Must be people-person. Strong right arm a plus.

We prefer to rely on word of mouth nowadays. It’s just so much less complicated than interviewing dozens of strangers. In this business you get a lot of turnover anyways, so It’s not like we panic when someone leaves suddenly. What we usually do is make calls to all our “go-to” girls. These are girls that we’ve all worked with before and feel comfortable with. Chances are, there’s someone we know out there that just recently left another business or is willing to pick up a couple extra shifts here.

Notice how I didn’t say “friends?” That’s because we’d much rather work with someone reliable who annoys us, than a friend who has no clue what she’s doing and could possibly ruin things for everyone. For example… I once made the mistake of recommending a friend who was jealous of the good money I was making - and a complete moron. Turns out, as soon as she got in the room she completely forgot our rehearsed script for offering “options” (topless, nude, etc.). Instead, she was just bluntly telling customers she’d jerk them off for $$$ !!! Thank God she never had a cop!!!!!!

Some of you may be wondering why we're in such a hurry to bring in a new girl, especially since business has been slow and some of Luna's old clients are up for grabs. Well, it's pretty much the same reason why no one else likes being short a person. It's bad enough doing this shit for 5 days a week - imagine having to do it for 7... AND those 2 extra days are with your boss who you can't stand!!! THAT is why I welcome anyone nuts enough to work here.

Anyway, Trina, Audrey and I have been calling around for over a week now without much luck, so we finally put an ad in the local weekly rag. It’s subtle. It’s just our regular ad for a “relaxing massage” with an extra “Now Hiring” added at the end. Anyone remotely familiar with the massage industry will know what we’re expecting.

Now the problem isn’t in lack of applicants - The problem is the total avalanche of applicants. And I’m not talking about a room full of clean cut college graduates in dapper little business suits carrying leather brief cases. I’m taking about a total freak show straight out of the Trailer Park from Hell. We can expect to see: burnouts, punk rockers, trailer trash, goth chicks, drunks, hippie chicks, ex-hookers, current hookers, runaways, homeless chicks, Narcs, ex-strippers…and druggies.

Lots of druggies.

Any job that pays in cash always attracts the druggies. Now don’t get me wrong – I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve inhaled a couple of times in my life. But I’m talking about the hardcore snorters and shooters. I’ve worked with more than a few in this business, and I can’t stand them. They smell, they steal, and they lie. I know drug addiction is a terrible thing. You don’t have to remind me since I’ve seen it personally – but that doesn’t mean I have to like working with them.

Massage businesses never drug test since that would be like looking for a Chin in Chinatown. So believe it or not, we rely a lot on references. Any girl comes in claiming she worked at another business – we call and verify. Even though we're competitors, Other Businesses have a vested interest in flushing out the thiefs and Narcs.

So let the Parade of Freaks begin! And if any of you guys know any girls who are attractive, honest, intelligent, interesting and clean who are willing to jerk guys off for cash - drop me a line. Tell them it's a good way to meet people and the hours are good.



Medic said...

I thought of you when I saw this:

zencycle said...

I say hire a goth chick, It's always good offer your customers a little variety. Either that, or go for someone offering the school marm/librarian look, ala the 'hot for teacher' video

But that's just me......

cj said...


We've never had any luck with Goth chicks. Just never popular with the customers.

Now believe it or not, when I wear my glasses to work - I'm the resident librarian! I've got that whole book worm thing going, especially when wearing a polo shirt. I hate my glasses, but the customers seem to like it when I wear them.


Anonymous said...

Wow, must suck to live in PA. I don't think I've spotted a druggie masseuse in Los Angeles yet, and I've been to the joints you call whorehouses full of slaves/addicts/mobsters.
Some girls were hookers, yes, and thank God for them because that's how you get everything in a "almost legal" place like yours.