Freak of the Week - The Hypochondriac

Yesterday I had a guy in who pretty much is the definition of “freak of the week.” We’ll call him Iggy. Anyway, Iggy isn’t exactly a Regular but he’s so unique that we all remember him when he comes in.

Iggy is a total germaphobe/hypochondriac. It knew it was him when I pulled into the parking lot yesterday morning. He insists on being the first person in the room so there’s less chance of “contamination.” In fact, he’s there so early that there’s no need for him to make an appointment since there’s no one here to even answer the phone!

You know how you picture a germaphobe guy to be really skinny and pale? Well Iggy is pale, but he's on the chubby side. I guess food germs don’t scare him too much. He always shows up with a bag full of supplies. First thing he does in the room (after putting on his surgeons gloves) is to peel the sheets off the bed. Then he sprays everything down with his alcohol cleaner, and wipes everything up with paper towels (which he also brings).

He absolutely refuses to have any contact with our sheets and towels. Instead, he lays paper towels over the entire massage table. Then he puts aside the remaining roll plus a box of tissues for me to use exclusively with him.

Iggy always gets the nude option, but will not touch me. I offered him a “mutual” once and he freaked out at the thought. “No thanks, but you girls aren’t exactly clean.” Gee – thanks Iggy, you’re no prize either. He’s usually kinda quiet during the massage since he’s so uptight about everything, but you can tell the massage is working when he starts to open up. He confessed once to going to a strip club. Apparently a stripper leaned over and whispered in his ear, and he ran out of the place totally convinced that he had gotten VD. Washed his ear out with alcohol and went to his doctor. From the way he told this story, I gather his doctor isn’t fond of him either.

He never asks for anything unusual during his session, just the standard massage and hand release. The only thing different, I guess, is that I have to clean him up with the tissues he brought. Afterwards, he wipes himself down with that hand sanitizer stuff he brings in the economy sized bottle. Then I gather all the paper towels and tissues and stuff them in a plastic bag and walk them straight out to the dumpster (remember – we don’t like having used tissues on the premises).

Overall, he’s actually one of the nicer customers. Never grabs or pinches us. Never asks for anything “extra.” Just very business like. Why can’t the rest of the customers be like that?

CJ