Monday, June 30, 2008

Guys Are Really Cute When They're Giving You Things - Follow Up

OK guys, I just wanted to take a quick break here in the middle of my exciting story of my first day at work to reveal the correct answers to my post on favors.

I tried explaining earlier that when I originally wrote that, I didn’t consciously try to create 2 matching sets of favors given and received. But luckily, it was close enough to make a game out of it! So here is a better explanation of the favors I have received throughout the years in this business.

(BTW – Please feel free to compare these to that turkey you got from your boss on Thanksgiving and then tell me who has the better job)

Insanely generous tip – Handjob on his boat
This is another one of my “Cindy” stories. You see, after receiving the “insanely” generous tip in question, Cindy and I were invited to go on the boat of one of my SD’s (Sugar Daddy). Towards the end of the day, Cindy and her SD went downstairs into that cabin thing so they could fuck like bunny rabbits, leaving me and my SD drinking beer up on top. Well after a couple of beers I was feeling a bit frisky. So after fetching us a couple of cold ones, I casually reached over with my left hand and undid his pants. He gave me a look, but didn’t complain as I pulled his dick out of his pants and starting working it. So there I was – beer in the right hand and his cock in my left. I worked him for a bit and he finished just in time for me to grab a refill.

Car wash - Lunch
This was one of my young “fans” who wanted to do something nice without spending any money. I took him out for lunch as soon as he was done, so I wouldn’t feel like I owed him anything the next time we were in session.

6 months of my cell phone bill – Undying gratitude
I didn’t ask him to, but I do confess that I had spent enough time complaining about my bill in front of him. It was a nice gesture, but kinda creepy at the same time – so I didn’t want to go out of my way to acknowledge it.

Car payment – Harley Davidson leather jacket
I saw this as more of a loan than a favor, so I returned it with something of equal value. The fact that the jacket was a gift from a customer is neither here nor there.

Every CD from the band Dirty Looks – Free 45 minute session AND dinner
I LOVE this band – and he really went out of his way to find all those CD’s since you can’t buy them in the store anymore. I was so thankful that I took him out for dinner immediately after giving him a free session.

Fixed a speeding ticket – Butt release
This was a classic case of “I know a guy who knows a guy…” with one of my Regulars who was a lawyer. He placed a couple of phone calls and gave me a detailed list of instructions I had to follow to a letter, and it all worked out. Even though he was a lawyer, he never tipped me extra – so I gave him a special treat at the end of one of our sessions by handing him the bottle of oil, lying down on the table with my ass up and telling him “It’s all yours…”

Free hotel room – Thank you card
The guys used his free “miles” – what more do you want?

Play Station 3 – Breast Release and a free 45 minute session
He called it his “Finders Fee.” LOL I figured it was the least I could do considering he had to hit a dozen stores before finding one.

New clothes – Undying gratitude
I love new clothes and will always accept them as a gift (except for black T-shirts which I can’t stand). This is probably the most common gift I get from customers (jewelry is second).

2 new car tires – Nothing
Now this was a weird one. I once had a blowout on the way to work, and ended up driving around on that donut tire for about a week before I had time to buy a new one. This 1 customer who always gave me the creeps comes in one day with 2 (TWO!) tires. 1 tire makes sense. 4 tires make sense. But 2 tires which I didn’t need or ask for????? Come on!!!!! Plus, he was the kinda guy who expected a blowjob for something like that.

Foot rub – Hand job in the bathroom
This was one of Trina’s Regulars who I’m friends with. He once came in to see her and ended up giving me a foot rub while waiting for her. I absolutely LOVE getting my feet rubbed – probably more than sex. No kidding. He did such a good job, I took him in the bathroom and took care of him right there.

Prada purse – Facial
This started off as a joke between me and a Regular. He was going to NYC and asked if I wanted anything. Well, after a bit of joking around we came up with the agreement that I’d let him jerk off on my face if he came back with a Prada purse. Now before you all start laughing about how it’s probably a $30 knock-off from Chinatown, I know how to spot an imposter. It’s all in the stitching on the inside and the layout of the pattern on the outside. Well, he brought it into our next session. After thoroughly inspecting it inside and out, I shook his hand, congratulated him, got down on my knees and said “Just don’t get it in my eyes.”

Now that just leaves the “Back rub” as the last of my favors that I give away. But as I said before, the list’s don’t perfectly match. The free massage is one of the most common favors I’ll give, but it’s usually only given to family and friends. It doesn’t make sense at the Business since customers still need to pay Audrey the Session Fee, so if I want to do a customer a favor for any reason, I’ll usually just give him an extra option.

So now you guys all know how to get my attention! Next week I will provide you an address to which you can start sending me tires and black T-shirts.



ez cheese said...

Dude, that shit got me laughing so hard I teared up. "The guys used his free “miles” – what more do you want?" That is about the funniest shit I have ever read. You are on a roll.

em Jay Peeee said...

I'm still confused about "butt release." How do you maintain boundaries? If my hard dick was anywhere near your naked backside, it would probably be trouble.

If you lay on your stomach, hand me a bottle of oil, and say "It's all yours..." - I'd think you meant that I could go third input on you! Ha!

Anonymous said...

Well, that does it for me. I'm hooked. You might as well make a list because I bet you have a lot of us guys planning a trip to the mall to buy you pretty much whatever you want. Be gentle with us.

medic said...

Haha. I love this blog.

The butt-release confused me a bit as well.

Anonymous said...

Men always underestimate the power of the footrub.

ez cheese said...


Anonymous said...

The 2 tires actually does make sense depending on how old your tires were - it's good to keep roughly even wear between pairs of tires (so you'd replace both front or both rear tires at the same time).

em Jay pEee said...

Jack is right - I've used the footrub to weasel my way into lots more sex than you'd think I could manage, what with my average looking face and all.

Historical Wit said...

You better get your footrub technique down if your an average dude. It really is the only way to ensure plenty of favors from the girlies.

zencycle said...

is 'butt release' a polite way of saying 'anal sex'? Is there a polite way of saying 'anal sex'?

JimSurewood said...

No, she lubes her buttcrack and the guy slides between the butt cheeks. Just like a breast release, only with the butt cheeks. CJ doesn't have sex remember?

Henrietta Hussy said...

man, people never give me shit!

I am a little jealous.

cj said...

Hey Guys,

If there's 1 thing you can learn from this it's NEVER NEVER EVER underestimate the power of the footrub. EVER. Got that!


Anonymous said...

And don't forget to develop a good hand rub and face massage. A hand rub can be a good place to start because it is less intimate and fairly innocuous. And after an amazing face massage, just lean in and odds are pretty good that you'll get the kiss of a lifetime . . .

Anonymous said...

By the way, C.J., if you are looking for a euphemism for the "butt release", I believe "Italian" is the traditional term. (Just like Greek = anal sex, French = blowjob, and Russian = a breast release).

Anonymous said...

I've had amazing sensations from hand, scalp, and back (lats) massages.

Otherwise, I'm sorry but all those breakdowns, menus, and options sound so... cold and calculated. "This will buy you that"? Not my own experience of the massage world.

I have tried not to talk money with my providers. They seem to expect something around the average tip for a given session (the rates are known). Very little haggling and negotiating.
Once, after I went from the AMP to seeing the girl at her house (another one of those homeowner-slaves...) , I asked her if what I was giving her was appropriate. She was uneasy and simply said that customers give what they can, depending on how business is for them...