Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Cloud

This one's just nasty. The latest Freak of the Week isn't even a person - it's a monster. I don't know where to start because it's disgusting and weird and funny all at the same time.

Anyway, on Friday I was working the day shift with Audrey and business was decent (finally). I had in this one guy in the early afternoon who was your average Joe. I think he'd been in once or twice before. What I distinctly remember about our session was that he said he had Thai food for lunch. I remember because I love Thai food, but I rarely ever have it. I mean, who sits around and says "Hey, let's have Thai for lunch!"

So we finish the session and as we're both getting dressed he asks if he can use our bathroom before he leaves. I said sure, then I headed out the back door to have a smoke. Well, as I'm finishing my smoke, I hear Audrey up front yell "CJ! Get over here!"

I note the panic in her voice as I run back inside. I find Audrey standing smack in the middle of our lobby with her nose all crinkled. I'm wondering what the heck's going on when suddenly it hits me too... the absolute worst Gawd-awful shit-stinking smell that's ever been in history.

To help you picture the scene, the front of The Business is a lobby with front desk. A hallway runs directly down the middle of The Business with session rooms on either side (it's basically the same layout as a tanning salon). The first room on the left is a restroom for customers. So basically, the restroom is in the MIDDLE of everything.

I'm like "What the fuck is THAT smell?" and Audrey's like "I think it was your last customer."

The bathroom has one of those useless exhaust fans that only makes a noise so you'll think it's doing something. I was almost afraid to look and see what horrible devastation took place in the bathroom, but I knew Audrey wouldn't do it - AND ITS HER BUSINESS.

I kicked the door open and was shocked to find...

It was completely clean. Even the toilet was empty. Whatever he left behind - it was just a Cloud of Pure Evil Stink. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the wastebasket, so he didn't even wash his hands - EWWWW.

With nothing to actually scrub down or flush away, Audrey found a can of air freshener to fight off the foul smell. She sprayed and sprayed till the can was empty - the Cloud of Evil Stink ate the whole thing!

I swear to Gawd that I could hear it laughing at us.

Next we propped open the front and back doors, but that only seemed to help the Cloud spread through the entire building! Now the back office started to smell.

I got desperate, so I went through all the session rooms (holding my breath) and immediately lit all the aromatherapy candles in an effort to head 'em off at the pass. In the back closet I grabbed scented candles like hand grenades and brought them up front to join the fight. In the bathroom alone I tossed in 4, and the rest I scattered around the lobby.

This only made the Cloud angry and we could see lightning starting to flash around it's edges.

At about this point, a customer came in and stood at the front desk. Audrey booked him for 30 minutes, and no joke - he changed it to 15 after he got a good whiff of the lobby. Audrey took him to the last room down the hallway, but later said you could still smell it inside.

I wasn't about to sit at the desk with the Stink Cloud from Hell hovering over me, so I actually stood just outside the doorway and lit up another cigarette. A walk-in customer came up and I warned him about our little problem. He didn't believe me until he got one whiff, was totally skeeved out and left. 15 minutes pass and Audrey comes back out of her room just as a second customer also changes his mind.

I told her we can't do business like this. She agreed, so we put up the "Back in --- Minutes" sign and took a 1 hour lunch. Damned if we were going to put up with that smell. We were so desperate to kill the Evil Cloud that we actually left all the candles burning too. Torching the entire building would have been worth it to save the city from that Evil Smell.


And no - we didn't have Thai.

CJ

11 comments:

Charlie said...

You were right -- DISGUSTING! And he didn't even wash his hands? What a pig.

I work in a treatment facility where we face this problem quite often, unfortunately. Nothing works better than lighting a match or two (or TEN in your case). Spray the freshener after the match.

I eat Thai food for lunch all the time -- there's a restaurant within walking distance -- but it has never affected me in that way.

I bet you'll be asking that guy what he had for lunch before letting him use the restroom again. lol

RIV said...

Maybe he didn't DO anything but let out a loud one and ran when he realized the WMD that was coming out of his ass!

That was well written, but I wonder if he's ever going to come back, or is to embaressed to do so!

Anonymous said...

Wow, if that guy does come back I imagine you'll forever associate that smell with him. Poor guy. lol

Something similiar happened to a guy I knew. This was in a living room. One of those silent but deadly situations. He actually made himself leave along with his friends. Luckily the smell was gone after a trip to the bar.

Rich said...

Count your blessings since it could be worse. Imagine him letting that unholy creation out DURING a session.

ReflexVE said...

Here in Seattle there are a ton of Thai places. I eat it 2-3x per week myself, absolutely love thier garlic chicken...

As for the smell, wow, makes you wonder whats up with this guy's digestion. For something that nasty it wasn't just his lunch. And the handwashing thing? Gross. I don't know whats up with guys in this regard, but I often see it in mens bathrooms, guys will leave a stall and just walk out. Makes me want to go yell at them out the door of the bathroom: "Hey, are you planning on washing that fecal matter off of your hands or what?"

Gnoel said...

lol..nastyyy Release This Evil!! *business done* thank you lord - scary movie 3

Anonymous said...

I was at a concert a few weeks ago at a big sports stadium. All the fans were pretty messed up, mostly drunk but lots of people doing all manner of drugs, too. And they were selling greasy sports food. It was a recipe for gastrointestinal distress.

When I went to the men's room well into the show, the lines for the urinals were about 15 minutes deep and all the stalls had lines, too. It was Africa hot. After a few minutes, this godawful stench moved over from the stall area and just hung over all of us. It was honestly the worst olfactory experience I've ever been subjected to, and that includes multiple Sri Lankan toilets and a visit to the local sewage treatment plant.

This thing just...lingered. And then it started to grow. And with about 200 drunk dudes in line for the pisser, people started to gag. Every single person in the place was trying not to breathe. People were trying to joke about it, but it was too foul in there to waste any oxygen laughing. Men walking into the restroom immediately turned and walked out.

To make matters worse, it was so hot we were also streaming sweat. A few brave souls went over to the stall area and tried to figure out if the poor dude had actually shit himself to death, but whoever it was had either left or wasn't coming out. When I finally reached the urinal, I nearly vomited because the stench had started to concentrate. Needless to say, I bolted out of their without washing my hands, in spite of feeling like I was actually covered in someone else's shit from having stood there for so long.

Yeah, I know the cloud. And I can safely say there is no way in hell I could receive a handjob with that kind of thing in the air.

cj said...

Rich,

RIGHT???!!!??!!

CJ

Anonymous said...

You should have had your ghost hunter friend take a photo of the evil cloud. The results might change your mind on the paranormal.

Anonymous said...

lol at the last comment!

I've met "the cloud" too. And I couldn't get a 15' HJ in that either. I have tried to piss in a public restroom before, only to have to walk out because some asshhole had "exploded" in there.

FYI, when you encounter the cloud... you ARE covered in, and breathing in, someone else's shit. EEWW!

Oh, and greeeaaat: more Thai-bashing, of course...

Anonymous said...

thats nothing...during my retail days a guy literally crapped his pants while in the store! I was a clerk at the one hr photo developing film when this guy comes up to me holding his stomach and asking where the bathroom is. I was like damn whats that smell? looked down and their were little shit droplets on the linoleum floor-disgusting! I quickly pointed while covering my nose-I was about to vomit and he jogged to the restroom holding his stomach with shit stains on the back of his shorts...everywhere he walked there were shit droplets. I called the manager and he ordered me to clean it! I was like hell no- I don't get paid enough and its not in my job description so fire me (barely made minimum wage)...In the end I made him clean it up (he treated me poorly afterward but I didn't care-for 9.50 an hr he can shove it where the sun don't shine).