Thursday, April 10, 2008

Limp Dick

Someone made a comment the other day about how he’s jealous of guys like Captain Haircut who can cum without having to touch his own dick. Well let me tell ya, I’ve seen a lot of guys with the exact opposite problem. It sucks for them and it sucks for me since I’m the one who gets stuck having to literally beat their meat till my arm’s ready to fall off. I have a rule – 5 minutes for the happy ending – after that you’re on your own.

I wouldn’t say that Limp Dick is a common problem, but we do see it on a regular basis. Now with the old guys, you can usually blame it on their heart or blood pressure medication. I had 1 Regular on heart meds that could only cum at one exact point in the hand release. I would get his prick all heavily lubed, then I’d beat it like it owed me money. He needed lots of extra lube up front, because when you’re jerking fast and furious on a dick that’s flapping around like a wet noodle, the oil starts flying every which way (including in my hair and eyes!). After about 2 minutes – or right when my hand is about to spontaneously combust – he would go from noodle to sausage for EXACTLY 5 seconds. At this point I would kick it into overdrive by using my left hand to prop up my right arm, because if he didn’t come within those 5 seconds, he was Shit-Outta-Luck. He’d go back to wet noodle, and it was time to head home cause there ain’t nothing more I could do.

When I see it in other customers, I’ll try raising my game by grabbing and squeezing their balls or pulling really hard on the head. If no action is going on downstairs after that, there are 2 things that usually happen at this awkward moment. Some guys will ask you to stop after a few minutes and admit it’s not going to happen. I particularly like these guys who can handle defeat with grace.

Then there are the guys who just get weird.

The most obvious request I get is to go down on them. That one’s so old, I just laugh it off now. But then the requests only go downhill from there:

Punch my balls
Flick it with your fingers
Hold it in one hand and slap it with the other
Pinch it with your nails
Smack it against the table
Step on it
(I get this one way more often than you’d imagine)
Stand on the table and try to pick me up with it
Slam it in the door (yeah – the guys in the lobby would just love to see that)

Once I even had a guy ask me to cut it with a razor blade!! You believe that shit? I told him “NO” for a hundred obvious reasons, but that one really freaked me out. Look guys, if you can’t get it up, that’s too bad, but why do I have to suffer? Now this doesn’t mean that I haven’t resorted to some of the more “extreme” measures in my sordid history. But those cases were rare and for special customers only (and by special I mean “cha-ching!”).

And THOSE stories I will reserve for a special occasion.

Now you wanna hear something weird (you’re probably rolling your eyes at that line) – I’ve been getting more and more young guys in here with Limp Dick. I’m talking the 20-25 range. It’s the weirdest thing. They have no clue why they can only get 50% hard. Then they expect me to know why! Go see your doctor – not a masseuse. These guys can still cum, they just never get really hard.

I feel kinda bad for them. If you guys reading this have any ideas, please let me know. I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is a girl with a clit that’s not sensitive. In that case it’s just a matter of figuring out exactly what you gotta do that works. Maybe it’s easier for these young guys to come to me first, instead of embarrassing themselves with their poor unsuspecting girlfriends. Whatever – I should have become a dick doctor.

So guys – any advice?



AR said...

do any of them ask you to talk dirty? my dick gets hard at the drop of a hat, but sometimes i ask my girlfriend to talk dirty if i'm taking too long to cum. potty mouth works for me!!

good luck..

cj said...


I get that a lot. But I usually keep that one in my back pocket for when a customer needs a little help during the hand release. If a guy wants me to talk dirty during the session, I'll charge extra.


Prams said...

no exp no comments!
dik doc!! sounds gud.. :D do they hav that ??;)

old ppl seems fine.. bt the range ur talking abt.. hmm... lets wait 4 a dik doc's advice!

The Bastard said...

Your frustrated.

He's frustred.

You're both focused on being frustrated. I would suggest getting away from that.

I'm guessing you have some pretty good dirty talk skills, but maybe taking it back a further will help.

Tell them to close their eyes and think about the hottest girl they've ever wanted.

Its not your hand on them, it's hers.

Call it Guided Fantasy, +$20 to the bill.

Em Jay Peeeee said...

The young guys with limpdick are probably just nervous. Sometimes all the planning, driving, and working up the nerve to go in the door to the parlor can make us feel a little queasy.

If I were having that problem while I was on your table, I'd ask to see and or feel those flesh-globes. Then I'd take matters into my own hands for a few minutes. If that didn't work, I'd ask you to tease me a little - sometimes that helps. Spend a lot of time touching the areas around my junk, but not making direct contact. Making goo-goo eyes at me after gazing at my meat-spear might help too.

If all that didn't work, I guess I'd be out the money with no happy ending. I sure wouldn't come up with any crazy ideas like razor-slashing my junk!

Anonymous said...

I've totally got your limp dick problem figured out. One word: pharmaceuticals. Especially in the age range you're talking about: Twenty somethings who pop adderall and other stimulants to get them through a productive day -- makes dicks half hard and he won't have a clue why. Also: SSRIs. Anti-depressants are notorious for reducing sex drive and sensitivity.

jz said...

Your question on the young men unable to develop an erection , even with masturbation is interesting to me. I am a (female) emergency physician, and had a young man present with this problem. He stated he had been unable to have an erection for three days. He was healthy and on no medications. This was clearly outside my expertise. I scrambled around to assure myself there was no impending neurologic ( esp. spinal cord) problems. I tried to provide reassurance for him, but he left unsatisfied. I was the third physician in two days to be unable to answer his question.

I later posted this case to an online physicians forum. Both the neurologists and psychiatrists felt it was psychogenic.

It is interesting to me that you have seen the same cases. Perhaps young men with this problem are unlikely to access a physician.

Were these patients able to develop an erection using self-masturbation? How long had it been ongoing? Did they have other medical problems? Did you detect any underlying psychogenic problems?

cj said...

Dear Slutty and JZ,

I can't say if these young guys are on meds or stims of any kind. But I can tell you that half of them tried to get it up themselves, and with no success (the other half just gave up). I can also tell you that some of these guys confessed to having the same problems with their girlfriends (was this why they came to see me? I don't know).

Is it all in their heads? Maybe. I wanna blame drugs, but I have no proof.


Flare said...


I know in my 40's I generally get one vs. three in my 20's but stuff works well at home. In my twenties it was pretty much at attention if you so much as walked by with a nice sway.

However I think I too would be nervous in that different situation with a pro expecting me to get it up. Still my few experiences of being touched in a good massage should take care of that. Even a tickle or hug from my wife or a friendly gal generally still turns the lights on.

I was always a light social drinker beer/wine so the theory about various drugs may be worth a thought.


blackdog said...

Never had the prob myself, but for the younger guys I'd guess its either the meds issue, the mental issues (guilt, performance anxiety, etc.) or a combination of the two. Not exactly helpful, but there are so many possible explanations that are as unique as your customers.

But looking at your pic, I'd ask for the 'breast release' every time. Good lord, girl.

One more thing - I'm trying to figure out the 10 yr timeline. How old were you when you started?

jz said...

Regarding this comment,
Do you feel that there is anything wrong with what you're doing? Is massaging genitals really all that much different from rubbing shoulders, backs, and legs?
Nope – a dick is just another muscle like the rest of them. I see nothing wrong with what I do since I don’t do anything I’m not supposed to. Remember - I’m not full service. "

If there is "nothing wrong with it" then why do you not disclose to your boyfriend? and (presumably) your family? If you do see something wrong with it, then what is it that makes it "wrong"?

How does being an erotic massage giver affect your own sexuality? How does it affect your sense of trust with men ?

cj said...


What are you nuts? Just because I don't think there's anything wrong with what I do doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way. I tried explaining before that erotic massage (and massage in general) has really gotten a bad rap from the full-service whore houses who pose as "massage" businesses.

As for my jobs affect on my sexuality - apart from turning me off to hand jobs by the end of the working day, I would say it barely affects it. However, I do admit that I've become an expert at knowing how to excite a man!

As for the trust question - this job has helped me confirm that most married men are lying, cheating scumbags. In other words, my trust in men is no more or less than usual! lOL


Historical Wit said...

Well being in my mid 30's, I have to say its a combinaiton of pharma and vivid girls. Most kids these days have smashed their meat to death 3 times daily, then pile the pharma on top of that, plus the pressure and stress to be successful can kill your sex drive.

Still visual stimulation is the kicker that gets men in gear and if these dudes cant get a rise out of your rack, then its got to be genetic. Evolution will weed them out.

B said...

Pharma or no, regardless of what I'd been on at the time, I had this problem for years.

What I eventually figured out was that as a teenager, I'd managed to successfully jerk off for years without getting properly hard. So growing erect and coming didn't associate in my mind. My solution was to combine Viagra (which is still retardedly expensive for something that's so cheap to produce) with carefully monitored (by me) masturbation practices. Once I forced myself to get hard before coming, I had no problem.

melanie said...

Heya CJ! Came across your blog linked from somewhere and your writing is absolutely awesome, honest and hysterical. I read the list of stuff guys start requesting and burst out laughing. I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

Hey cj! Great blog. My take: They're porn addicts who can't function with live women I think...

Anonymous said...

Yeah... Performance anxiety... As much as some women would like to think, we're not machines. Well, maybe we were at 17.

I'm in my forties and I remember going straight from one very sensuous legit masseuse who had left me shaking and very horny to a mechanical handjob pro.

Some 4 blocks away and still hard, I asked her to skip the massage since I'd just had one and to please get down to business.

She wouldn't come near enough and looked bored. Then she started making faces because, although hard, I wouldn't come soon enough for her (coulda been more than 5'...).

I took a few painful moments of her literally jerking me off furiously (I was beginning to hurt), and then softly asked her to stop. She seemed relieved.

So on top of paying for a half hour, I gave the regular HJ tip (no usual attagirl) walked out after about 20 minutes, and drove home so I could finish myself. Fun.

Ever had your mom slam the food on the table and order you to "EAT" as a kid? Did you enjoy that?

Not saying that it's the provider's fault, but sometimes there'd be a way, but it's beyond... the scope of their expertise.

Anonymous said...

What's so wrong about full service, pray tell?

A dick is "just a muscle", you say. And what do you think your pussy is, aside from an inverted male junk, its opposite? So rubbing a dick with hands, boobs, butt cheeks and feet, or getting sperm on tits, back, feet and face is OK, but anything else is wrong in your world.
Uh... why?

Hang up about penetration, maybe? Or fear of STDs? Is FS not so much "wrong", as emotionally or physically risky?
But you call FS girls "skanks", so there IS a moral judgment on your part. So why is FS wrong, besides the fact that you don't do it (except with sugar daddies, and as long as it's in a hotel it magically becomes OK, it seems)?

I think you claim that handjobs are OK because this is where you draw YOUR OWN line in the sand, for whatever reason. Frankly, we can ask, but why is your business.
But if you want to post your thoughts for all to see, you should expect challenges. And what is NOT cool is the constant insults directed at other providers who feel differently from you.

You can call posters "nuts" all you want, I'll tell it like it is (for the logical readers out there): you have your head up your own ass (wonder how much you charge yourself!). That's called bad faith.

People do it ALL THE TIME. They make a given choice based on irrational fears or impulses, usually not even consciously, and then use their little brains to come up with rationalizations for their actions.
What they say/do is OK "because" [made-up shit]. And therefore anybody else is wrong "because" [more made-up shit].

If only the world was less full of shit, we'd be so much better off. Full-of-shitness has enabled people to feel superior to others forever and caused religious persecutions, wars, ethnic cleansings, and so much more.
You talk about cheating. How many cheaters are in denial or have a bag of excuses? And how many will admit that they just do whatever feels good and don't really care how many people they hurt (answer: not many)?

So you can say what you want, this blog is all about the LIE that you are a "therapist" while any other provider is a dirty whore.
We ALL want to feel better about ourselves because we feel pain inside (often from conflict). And people go to great lengths to protect their self-image and ego, and calm that pain. Check this out:

If you're only half as smart as people seem to think you are, CJ, I challenge you to come up with a valid and convincing rebuttal.

Anonymous said...

cj said, "As for the trust question - this job has helped me confirm that most married men are lying, cheating scumbags. In other words, my trust in men is no more or less than usual! lOL" Of course the married men you meet would be lying cheating bastards-otherwise they wouldn't go to a massage parlor-I'm guessing those are the only kind of married men you see (including your sugar daddies). Your job has made you jaded...there are plenty of married guys who don't go to massage parlors and are loyal to their wives-you just don't see those types around your place of business-you have a case of limited perspective.