So you wanna be an Erotic Masseuse?

I've gotten a number of letters recently from girls interested in becoming Erotic Massage Therapists. There's no easy answer to that, and I'm not going to pretend that this line of work is for everyone. So for those of you out there who are considering a job as an erotic masseuse - here are my thoughts on the subject.

Let me start off by saying that I actually like my job. The hours are decent and the work isn't that hard. And for all the time I spend bitching about my co-workers and boss, I really like them (more or less). And the pay goes from Bad to Incredible, depending on the economy.

With that said there are a number of issues you have to consider before taking the leap into the exotic world of the massage parlor.

Sex Work
The biggest issue to consider is whether you're comfortable with the whole "sex" part of the work. Personally, I don't consider anything I do as actual sex, so I don't have any ethical dilemmas with it. I have my own definitions, I draw my own lines and I'm always ready to say "No" to anything I'm not comfortable with - so I'm quite OK with what I do in session.

What it all boils down to is - are you OK with giving a handjob to a guy you just met? That is the fundamental point of the erotic massage. If the answer is "yes" then you can read on, but if not then don't try it to "make a few bucks." You'll make a lousy masseuse and you'll hate yourself for even doing it in the first place. And whatever money you do make you'll end up spending on therapy in a few years. Leave it to the pros.

Guilt and Stigma
Unfortunately, this job can come with a lot of both - depending on how much you bring with you. I had issues of guilt at first, but since I've established my own boundaries I'm totally cool with it. The stigma is still there, so that's why I just tell people I'm a shampooer. I just love that word "shampooer" and I don't know why. It sounds boring and exotic at the same time I think.

Anyway, be prepared to keep your mouth shut about what you do for a living. If you have a boyfriend then be prepared to keep your personal and your business lives separate. I've had an easy time at doing that since most guys really don't care where I disappear to for 8 hours a day.

Just Say "No"
If you're OK with giving handjobs, that's fine and dandy. But one day you're gonna be asked to do more, so you have to be prepared to answer that question when it finally comes. I'm not going to judge you if you're interested in a full service place - that's your business. But you have to mentally prepare yourself to be submerged into an environment of groping guys and unpleasant requests.

Set your boundaries and stick with them no matter what. Believe me - it will help you go home with a clear conscious every day.

Location Location Location
Do some research on the places you want to work at. Talk to the girls - not just the boss. Things to find out are:

Is this place HJ only?
How are you paid?
# of customers per week?

If you only plan on doing HJ's, then stay away from full service places. I did that for a short while and the pay was lousy since I was basically getting the leftover cheap ass customers that the other girls didn't want.

Stay away from places that take a cut of your tips. What you do in that room to earn your money is your own business. Bosses that take a cut basically turn into "pimps" who are constantly accusing you of taking "their" money. These kinds of places also encourage you to do things you're not comfortable with because it's money in their pocket.

Stick with places that take their money at the door. Also find out how you're compensated for therapeutic customers. They usually don't tip, but require the most actual massage work.

And finally, make sure the place is doing decent enough business and whether you'll get some of the "gravy" shifts. At The Business, we rotate through the best shifts (Friday-day and Saturday-night) so we can all get some of the gravy. Tuesday mornings are DEAD.

Bosses
Stay away from places run by men. I can't repeat that enough. At every single place around here that I know of, male owners are usually slimy, disgusting guys who harass the girls. Sure - during the interview they'll be all nice to you, but once you start making some money, they'll start demanding their "piece" if you want to keep your job. Female bosses will only try to screw you on money - at least you know where you stand with them.

Once again I'm making a generalization, but this is why it's so important to actually talk to some of the girls who work there first.

Work Work
And lastly - this is a real job just like any other. 95% of your time will be spent MASSAGING. If all you're capable of is a decent "girlfriend" quality massage, then you'll be fine. But if you're not even good at that, then please don't work in a parlor. I don't know how many times I've heard a customer complain (or even lost a customer) because they had a bad experience with some girl who poked at his shoulders for a few minutes before grabbing his dick and sending him home WELL before the session was over.

And just like any other job, you'll be expected to be on time, put in a full day's work and help clean up around the place. A parlor is not the kind of place where you can just show up, jerk a few dicks and pocket a couple hundred bucks before you go clubbing. If you're interested in free lance work, consider a career in street walking.

As for The Business, we just hired a new girl to help us out now that things are picking up. Funny - she's a college student so I'm sure there will be some interesting things to tell about her later.

Good luck girls!!!!

CJ

Peer Pressure

OK guys, you nagged me enough so I decided to give in. Well, not so much give in as finally get off my ass and come up with some new pics. So now up in "About Me" part of the screen is my new profile.

For now.

To make this more fun (for me) I've decided to do for a limited time only a "pic of the week." What I'll do is post a new pic as my profile and I'll keep it up for a week or 2 (or 7) before moving on to the next one.

I went to Velma and asked her to edit (heavily) some of my old internet pics that I used back when I was trolling for a Sugar Daddy, plus the now infamous "Drunken Titty Fighting" photo shoot. I told her to do whatever she could to hide me, but still make them fun to look at. Remember - these are pics that very few people have ever seen (except for all those 12 year old boys pretending to be rich business men on the internet).

I'm starting with this one that's innocent enough. Then I'll work my way through a couple more pics and end with the "Titty Fight." Then it'll probably be back to the green T-shirt. I love that pic!

And for those of you who still don't believe me... you can search www.tittyfight.com all you want. I promise you won't find it there.

CJ

Apology

I really don't know what to say to you guys today. I had a whole thing I was gonna talk about yesterday, but I started to feel guilty about what I said the other day about bringing up the pictures.

I swear to Gawd that I didn't mean to lead you guys on and just thought it was a funny story about how I can't even come up with a simple picture suitable for the internet. Then you guys started to tease me about how it must be a joke or just another story.

Well I went through the pics on my phone today and took the first look at them in months. I'm sorry guys, but I am waaaaay to embarassed to put that shit up on my blog for the world to see. It's bad enough that some of you guys are still trying to find The Business, but topless pics of myself just kinda freak me out.

However, as a consolation there are the old pics I once used in my old Internet/Sugardaddy days. I'm going to give them to Velma the Techno-Nerd to see what she can do. These are much more innocent and I wouldn't mind seeing Britney Spears head attached to my body

Have a good weekend!

CJ

Poll Results So Far

First of all I would like to say Thanks to everyone who dropped by and said "Hi." Now I have a much better idea of who reads this crap and why.

Well it looks like the boys still outnumber the girls exactly 2 to 1. That's kinda funny considering it was the same a year ago. Oh well.

Now what you guys would like to see more of is interesting. To sum things up, the girls would like more stories and "secrets" while the boys want pictures. Well girls, you're in luck because secrets and stories are easy. Boys - it's tough to deliver because you know I guard my privacy.

I know this is gonna sound totally made up, but it's the Gawd's honest truth. I actually tried to come up with a new profile pic about 3 or 4 months ago. Remember what I said before about girls and cameras and alcohol don't mix?

Well Cindy and I went over to Trina's after work to have a few drinks. The subject of the blog came up and after a couple of beers I asked the girls to help me come up with a suitably anonymous picture. I tried a few poses wearing dark glasses, then Cindy and Trina wanted to pose with sunglasses too. To make a long story short, after SEVERAL more beers and a few dares, tops came off, breasts were everywhere, and Cindy and I even ended up having a "Titty Fight."

Needless to say, we all agreed the next day that NONE of the pics were suitable for publication. Sorry guys!

CJ

Never EVER Tell A Lie - Unless It's Absolutely Convenient

Since we're on the subject of lying, I thought I'd talk about some of the more common ones I use on a regular basis. Yes, CJ is not as pure and innocent as I portray myself. I believe that little white lies are a form of social "lubricant" that just keeps things moving along smoothly.

As you all know by now, my favorite little white lie is telling people I'm a shampooer (there's that word again!). It's the perfect lie for the question of "So what do you do?" Let's face it - 9 times out of 10 that question is meaningless and is used by guys in bars to buy an extra minute of staring at my shirt. When I respond with "shampooer" their eyes kinda glaze over and I'll get a polite "uh huh." NO ONE has ever asked me what that's like and whether I enjoy it or not - EVER.

My next little white lie I use at work is "I'm single." In fact, it's not so much a lie as it is part of the script that all of us follow in this business:

Erotic Massage Rule #7 - ALWAYS make the customer think that you're available.

It plays into the whole seduction fantasy that most guys have. Most customers (especially newbies) do not want to hear the honest truth about our boyfriends/husbands/baby-daddies. They want stories of how we're on the prowl and looking for "Mr. Right." If guys think they even have a tiny microscopic bit of chance with us, they're more attentive and easier to arouse.

One of my favorite variations of the "I'm single" lie is "I just broke up with my boyfriend." It's like taking the "I'm single" line and bathing it in vulnerability. And if you say it with a little sigh at the end, you can add a tiny hint of desperation. It's almost guaranteed to increase your tips!

I was debating whether to include "I'd love to see you again" as one of my favorite lines. Usually it means, "I'd love to see your wallet again" but when I thought about it I realized it's my way of saying "Thank you for not being an asshole." So when I say it, I really would like you to come back.

Now the most common thing I say at work that's usually a total lie is "No, that's fine." It's a sort of coverall for all kinds of things that are offensive or problematic.

For example, I may say "No, that's fine" when a customer apoligizes for farting or something. But to give you an example of how often I rely on this particular white lie, here is a list of the times I'll use it:

Farting
Premature ejaculation
Body odor
Limp dick
Cleanliness, etc.

I mean, when it's bad I'll say something but for the most part I'll just say "it's fine" if it'll keep the session going and hurry things up. Meanwhile, I'm saying to myself "You pig!!"

And those are the most common lies I use on a regular basis. But I don't use them all the time. With Regulars who I get to know and trust I'll tell it like it is. Some guys really do want to hear about the boyfriends, or whether they should jump in the shower before we begin.

I've learned over the years to be REALLY REALLY careful about who I can reveal a boyfriend to. A couple of times, I've opened up to customers about my real social life - only to discover later that they used the info to stalk me. Ugh... the stories I could tell you. But that's for another time.

Still trust me? No? It's fine.

"CJ"
(Look! Another lie right there!)

Girls Are All Lying Liars

I am fucking pissed right now. Every one of these fucking bitches I work with is a lying piece of shit.

Trina
Or as I will refer to her from now on - Queen Lying Mega Bitch. Anyway, the other day she was going on and on about how she wasn't making any money and the rent was due and she had no cash for lunch and blah blah blah.

Being the gold hearted saint that I am, I passed a couple customers her way (a newbie and a Regular who didn't mind getting pawned off). She makes an extra $250 that day, which basically means I lost $250. Not a big deal since we're all friends here and business has been decent.

Well this morning I get a phone call from Trina. "Hey CJ! Guess what? I'm calling you from my new iPhone!"

My jaw dropped. I was like "What the fuck!? I thought you were broke and had to pay rent!" Let me tell ya - we got into it right then and there. It was so bad that I ended up calling her a bitch and hanging up on her. She's called back a couple of times so far, but I've just let it kick to voicemail. Fuck her. I'm still mad. Partly because she now has an iPhone and I don't.

Cindy
Then there's the retarded liar Cindy. We went out shoe shopping the other day and she got a bunch of good stuff for herself. When it was time to go home, she asked if I could carry the bags in and claim that these were all b-day gifts for her. When I asked why, she said she doesn't want her baby-daddy to know she has money to spend on shoes.

That got me going. The jobless pothead just sits around the house all day playing Xbox. What she does with her money is none of his Gawd-darn business - and I told her so. We argued about it the entire way home, but in the end I just carried the bags in and didn't say anything. I was still angry so I didn't say two words to him while I was there.

Audrey
And last there's Lying McBitchmaster. Once again, she's started up with the whole "I'm shutting this place down" crap. Last time it happened I was concerned because the landlord was involved. This time it's because of her new boyfriend.

This shit happens EVERY time she dates a customer. They met her on the job. They fucked her on the job. And then after 2 dates, they're all like "You need to close that place..." and "You're better than this..." Happens every fucking time. At first I used to panic that I needed to find a new job. Now I just get pissy when she pulls that shit. Then she lies about it and says "I'm not seeing anyone..." and "It's all my idea..."

At least with guys the lies are more obvious like "My name is John Smith..." or "I'm not married..." But a woman can lie to your face one minute then tell you the Gawd-awful truth the next - and expect you to be forgiving.

OK enough bitching for today! I feel better now.

CJ

Living A Lie

I got a comment the other week that's really been annoying me. The guy who left it thinks it's sad that only 4 people in the whole world know what I do for a living and it's a shame I can't "share" with everyone.

I have since spoken with the commentor and he explained himself better, but still, I don't see the shame in any of it. I mean, all my family and friends already know that I'm a massage therapist. So what more is there to say? I spend 90 percent of my work day massaging tired, aching muscles, and only 10 percent massaging something else. How does "confessing" that extra 10% to eveyone improve my quality of life?

Does my mother need to know how I spend every second of my work day?

MOM: "So how was your day at work dear?"
ME: "Business is slow and Audrey wants us all to help paint the front lobby, but apart from that it was fine."

Isn't that basically what we all do at the end of our day? So what's the point of adding a few gory details:

MOM: "So how was your day at work dear?"
ME: "Business is slow and I got a wad of cum in my hair, but apart from that it was fine."

No one wants to hear that shit. That's what all you guys out there on the internet are for! I think it's great that I only have to worry about 4 people in my Inner Circle to say anything "compromising." And for the rest of them who think I do massages in a bikini - that's fine by me cause it's exactly what I want them to think.

And after all these years, I'm just tired of dealing with peoples reactions to what I do. Once they know about the handjob part, I'm immediately labled a prostitute, whore, skank, Ho, etc. And I thought it was hard convincing you guys out there that handjobs are where I draw the line (I think some of you guys still don't believe me). You try explaining that to a dimwitted cousin who you know will tell the entire family "Guess what! CJ's a hooker!!!"

Now when you really think about it, how many people outside of your work really truly understand what you do for a living? Do they even care? I have this 1 customer that travels all over the world doing something with electricity and satelites or something. NO ONE knows what the fuck he does - not even his wife.

So don't worry about my little circle of friends. You can't talk shop all of the time, and why would you want to?

CJ

Boys Vote Here

Hey Guys,

Just say something (or nothing) in the comments section so I can add these up later.

Please feel free to leave any questions or comments. Last year the boys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1. So be sure to vote!

CJ

Girls Vote Here

Hey Girls,

Here's how it works... Just go in the comments section and say "hi." In fact, you don't have to say anything - just leave something that I can count.

Feel free to leave any comments or questions while you're at it. And don't leave more than 1 comment!

CJ

2009 Readers Poll (not pole you perverts)

It's been a year since my last poll, so I thought I'd do it again. Last year it looked like the ratio of boys to girls out there was 2 to 1. I'm really curious if it's changed any so here it goes...

I have 2 posts up - one for boys and one for girls. All you have to do is just say "hi" in the comments. I will leave these posts open for a couple weeks, then add up the results.

But this time, I'd also like to know what you guys are interested in hearing me talk about. Do you want more parlor "secrets?" Funny stories? Sexy stories? Personal life crap? Freaks of the Week? Let me know. I aim to please.

In particular I'm fascinated with stories on how people find this blog, so please feel free to share. "I was doing research for my doctoral thesis on the socio-political ramifications of the use of sexual surrogates in expanding agrarian societies when I just happened to find a link to your page and..."

Yeah right.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Economist

The recession is over! Let me be the first to announce it - before any eggheads on TV, or crooked politicians, or stupid college professors. Yes sir - you heard it first right here from an Erotic Masseuse.

And you want to know how I know this? Well, unlike all those millionaire talkshow hosts and congressmen, my livelihood is almost totally dependent on disposable income. So as the economy goes, so goes my paycheck. And my paycheck has definitely gotten fatter recently. Let me explain...

Over the last month or so, I've noticed an increase in numbers of customers - newbies and the return of some Regulars. And just recently, I've seen an increase in nudes and mutuals - the more expensive options we offer. These are obvious signs that times are finally starting to get better.

As someone who relies on disposable income, I'm one of the first people at the bottom of the economic ladder to see if people have money to spend. And this is how I invented what I call "CJ's Handyman Index." Forget the Dow Jones stock market crap. CJ's Handyman Index is way more reliable and accurate.

You see, Handymen (carpenters, electricians, etc.) rely on disposable income more than me. So when the economy is hot, people want that new garage, or pool, or 4th bedroom. But when it slows down, their work changes to just fixing things. So instead of replacing a whole kitchen, people just want things maintained so they'll last longer. And how their business goes is reflected on my massage table. When things are good, Handymen ask for longer massage times and more expensive options.

New deck with hot tub = 1 hour mutual massage with breast release.
Paint the kitchen and fix a leaky faucet = 30 minute topless with regular hand release

And when the economy is in the shitter you ask? That one's easy - the Handymen disappear altogether. That's what started happening a year ago. I was losing Regulars left and right, and those that stuck around were cutting back on the options.

Now this index only really works with Handymen. Customers with steady jobs spend differently when times are bad. For example, my Regulars who work at the local plant still kept making appointments, but they cut back on options because everything else became more expensive.

[Funny story - last winter a guy offered me firewood in exchange for a massage. That's how bad things got.]

Let me tell ya - when gas prices shot up last summer, guys were coming in and asking for the bare bones cheapest options. It got so bad that we had to create a new option for these cheapskates. I called it the "Topless or HandJob." So if a customer came in with some cash, but not enough for any of the regular options, I would offer him a choice "I can either leave my clothes on for the massage and give you a happy ending, or I can take my top off but you're on your own at the end."

I did this mostly with Regulars that I kinda felt sorry for. Most newbies I would just show them the door. I know that the "Happy Ending" is the crux of my job as an erotic massage therapist, but it just feels weird to have a guy offer you $20 just for a handjob and no massage. That's crack-ho territory there. So guys I didn't know who couldn't afford a standard option - hit the road Jack.

And there you have it - CJ's Handyman Index. I think this really is the best economic indicator out there, and should be included on the daily news reports. Then we could all have a good laugh when the TV guy says "Today there was a sharp rise in the 'Handyman' which lasted for a few moments before a sudden decline..."

CJ

The Massage Parlor - A Fetishists Best Friend

I've had customers from NYC, LA and other big cities tell me about these fetish "clubs" that are actually like a massage parlor, except it's for fetishes only. So instead of getting a massage therapist for your session, you get a domme or a slave or whatever. And I assume these people are experts in whatever kink you're in to.

I once met a girl at another Business who said she used to work in a place like that. She was a "sub" so her specialty was having guys do stuff to her.

She claimed there was no straight sex involved, but the clients would get very creative. For example, customers were allowed to cum on her as long as she was covered with something like a towel or a plastic sheet. Customers could spank her, squeeze her breasts, etc., but they couldn't insert anything in to her. She did confess though that for "special" clients, she would offer to use a dildo on herself. It's also interesting to note that she described most of her clients as "mild mannered." LOL. It's always the quiet ones...

Most of the stuff she did involved getting tied up, spanked, etc., with lots of pleading and begging and whimpering. I asked her about all the exotic leather outfits and torture contraptions you see in the movies, and she said it was usually not that elaborate. Anyway, I've told you about my friend Wanda who's a domme. Well, she works out of her own studio, but I would imagine that in a "club" it would be something similar.

Out here in the boonies, we don't have them thar fancy fetish clubs. So the locals have discovered that your friendly neighborhood massage parlor is a nice alternative. I've learned over time about some of the basic BDSM stuff. But in the rooms, you kinda have to keep it simple. For example, we couldn't do the candlewax thing - too messy. I draw the line at:

Knives
Restraints on me (but I'll tie the shit outta you)
Candlewax
Spanking on me (but I'll beat the shit outta you)
Little girl role play (I won't do anything that references kids)
Customers feet (I will NOT touch a guys feet - EVER)

Fetish things that I have done at work include:

Foot worship
Role play
Dildoes/vibrators/strap-ons (no insertion)
Costumes (lingerie, high heels, boots, etc.)
Smoking
Ball busting (I could write a book on this alone)
Cum play
Dirty talk

Foot worship I just talked about, and I did older posts on dirty talk, smoking and dildoes/strap-ons. So that leaves...

Role Play
This is kinda fun for me, and it breaks up the monotony of the standard rub-n-tug session. I don't get requests for it very often, but when I do it's usually the "You've been a bad boy" kind. I've been asked to put my hair up and wear glasses as a school teacher who has to spank her bad student.

In my professional acting life I have played such dramatic roles as:

Bad Student (in need of discipline)
Seductress Teacher (you've been a bad boy)
Sexy Nurse (checking your temperature)
Police girl (I get to handcuff you)
Secretary (pleading for her job)
Boss (you plead for your job)
Ex-girlfriends (a weird one where I put on a wig and get called "Mary" or "Rachel" or whatever for an hour)

But my very personal favorite was Pizza Delivery Girl. A Regular had this detailed fantasy of seducing a Pizza Delivery Girl, so I agreed to do it. He got an outfit for me and even showed up with a fresh pizza! I put on A T-shirt with the name of some local pizzeria and had to knock on the massage room door while carrying the box. The fantasy revolved around him complaining about a cold pizza and how I could "make it up" to him. Of course it ends with a handjob and he tips me extra. And the best part about it was we got to have pizza afterwards!

Costumes
I'll wear outfits as long as they're new with the tags. I'll put on a Catholic school girl outfit, but I draw the line at any references to "little girls." Mostly I get requests to wear sexy lingerie. But occasionally a Regular will bring in something fun like a prison guard outfit or sexy nurse.

Now the serious guys will bring in very specific outfits such as conservative blouses and long skirts for a "secretary" or "she-boss" roll play. I think the most unique outfit I've ever had was a Burger King employee uniform. Complete with name tag and ugly hat! You can only guess what that role play was about, but let's just say that the outfit ended up needing a serious washing afterwards.

Ball Busting
This is a whole thing in and of itself. This is where guys want you (actually NEED you) to do extreme things to their balls and/or penis in order for them to get off. Some guys have virtually no sensation in their junk, so they ask you to do all sorts of weird stuff to them like punch, pinch, squeeze, and in some extremes stomp. I haven't said much about it in the blog because I haven't had a good one in a while, but I've got some stories of the things I've been asked to do that I swear none of you would believe.

Cum Play
This is a messy one that I'll only do with Regulars that I like and trust. Guys in general are fascinated by their own cum and just marvel at the little messes that they make. That said, some customers take it to extremes.

Breasts and face are the most common requests I get. I don't mind breasts, but only a very priveledged few have ever popped on my face (that shit stings the eyes!!!). Next most common is feet, and I'll get the occasional request for ass or stomach. I draw the line at hair - no fucking way.

Another variation of this is with clothing. The guys who bring in lingerie often request to cum on bras, stockings, and occasionally shoes. Weirdest request I ever got was from a guy who wanted to cum on a cowboy hat while I called him my "Pimp Daddy." The runner up to that was a guy who came on a pair sunglasses, then took them off me and licked them clean.

So for all you closet foot worshipers, diaper wearers, cross-dressers, role players, and spankers out there - don't give up. If you're tired of paying full-service prices at brothels, or you can't find one of these "clubs" around you, then give your local massage parlor a try. Don't be afraid to ask about your particular kink. Remember - there is NOTHING we haven't heard before.

CJ

My Day Off

Yesterday I got a day off because Trina wanted to trade shifts for this weekend so she could attend a wedding. I don't mind picking up some hours on Saturday because business has just started booming again.

Don't listen to those idiots on TV about the economy, listen to a masseuse. The economy is finally recovering because business has taken off for the first time in a year and a half!!!!

Anyway, what do you think I did on my precious weekday off? Go to a movie? Picnic in the park? Shopping at the outlets?

No. CJ went ghost hunting. Yes, you read that right. I was chasing ghosts like a regular old Ghostbuster. A couple of friends of mine (outer circle) are super into the paranormal. I mean these guys have the books and movies and everything about ghosts and spirits. But it's not too weird considering we have Gettysburg and the Amish country and such nearby, so there's actually a lot a ghost groupie can do around here.

The weather was decent so I thought it would be a nice day to spend driving around the countryside.

Wrong. My friends (Stacy and Greg) tracked down 2 places they wanted to investigate - an old gas station and an abandoned factory. Great - I just bought some fabulous new tank tops that The Girls have been dying to try out, and I'm crawling around old buildings.

Ghost hunting isn't just walking around an empty building at night after a six pack of Old Milwaukee. Stacy and Greg are totally serious about it. They do that "spirit photography" and seances and all that freaky shit. What we were trying to do was call the spirits out then take their pictures. I am not kidding.

They had a list of names of people who had died (I assume horribly) in these 2 buildings. So my job was to walk around calling out their names while they took pictures. To get an idea, Stacy would walk in front taking pics followed by me saying things like "Joe Smith... Are you here? Make yourself known to us..." Meanwhile, Greg would walk behind taking more pics.

The gas station was still in business, so we walked around the outside and tried not to draw attention to ourselves. The factory was empty and we went in through an open door, ignoring the "No Trespassing" signs. Talk about being scared as shit... if the ghosts don't get you, the meth-heads might. Luckily we didn't see anything other than pigeons living there.

I don't want to say that Stacy and Greg are full of it, but I don't see anything in those pics. They claim you can see "energy fields" or something like that if you look closely, but I just see specks of dust floating in the air.

And that's how I spent my day off. The End.

CJ

p.s. I know that some of you were probably hoping that our little field trip in the country would have ended up in a 3-some in the back of the car. Unfortunately, not all of my adventures end with a handjob. But I promise to think up something freaky for next time. LOL

Freak of the Week - The Cloud

This one's just nasty. The latest Freak of the Week isn't even a person - it's a monster. I don't know where to start because it's disgusting and weird and funny all at the same time.

Anyway, on Friday I was working the day shift with Audrey and business was decent (finally). I had in this one guy in the early afternoon who was your average Joe. I think he'd been in once or twice before. What I distinctly remember about our session was that he said he had Thai food for lunch. I remember because I love Thai food, but I rarely ever have it. I mean, who sits around and says "Hey, let's have Thai for lunch!"

So we finish the session and as we're both getting dressed he asks if he can use our bathroom before he leaves. I said sure, then I headed out the back door to have a smoke. Well, as I'm finishing my smoke, I hear Audrey up front yell "CJ! Get over here!"

I note the panic in her voice as I run back inside. I find Audrey standing smack in the middle of our lobby with her nose all crinkled. I'm wondering what the heck's going on when suddenly it hits me too... the absolute worst Gawd-awful shit-stinking smell that's ever been in history.

To help you picture the scene, the front of The Business is a lobby with front desk. A hallway runs directly down the middle of The Business with session rooms on either side (it's basically the same layout as a tanning salon). The first room on the left is a restroom for customers. So basically, the restroom is in the MIDDLE of everything.

I'm like "What the fuck is THAT smell?" and Audrey's like "I think it was your last customer."

The bathroom has one of those useless exhaust fans that only makes a noise so you'll think it's doing something. I was almost afraid to look and see what horrible devastation took place in the bathroom, but I knew Audrey wouldn't do it - AND ITS HER BUSINESS.

I kicked the door open and was shocked to find...

It was completely clean. Even the toilet was empty. Whatever he left behind - it was just a Cloud of Pure Evil Stink. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the wastebasket, so he didn't even wash his hands - EWWWW.

With nothing to actually scrub down or flush away, Audrey found a can of air freshener to fight off the foul smell. She sprayed and sprayed till the can was empty - the Cloud of Evil Stink ate the whole thing!

I swear to Gawd that I could hear it laughing at us.

Next we propped open the front and back doors, but that only seemed to help the Cloud spread through the entire building! Now the back office started to smell.

I got desperate, so I went through all the session rooms (holding my breath) and immediately lit all the aromatherapy candles in an effort to head 'em off at the pass. In the back closet I grabbed scented candles like hand grenades and brought them up front to join the fight. In the bathroom alone I tossed in 4, and the rest I scattered around the lobby.

This only made the Cloud angry and we could see lightning starting to flash around it's edges.

At about this point, a customer came in and stood at the front desk. Audrey booked him for 30 minutes, and no joke - he changed it to 15 after he got a good whiff of the lobby. Audrey took him to the last room down the hallway, but later said you could still smell it inside.

I wasn't about to sit at the desk with the Stink Cloud from Hell hovering over me, so I actually stood just outside the doorway and lit up another cigarette. A walk-in customer came up and I warned him about our little problem. He didn't believe me until he got one whiff, was totally skeeved out and left. 15 minutes pass and Audrey comes back out of her room just as a second customer also changes his mind.

I told her we can't do business like this. She agreed, so we put up the "Back in --- Minutes" sign and took a 1 hour lunch. Damned if we were going to put up with that smell. We were so desperate to kill the Evil Cloud that we actually left all the candles burning too. Torching the entire building would have been worth it to save the city from that Evil Smell.

And no - we didn't have Thai.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Foot Lovers

Yesterday I had another foot guy come in. The foot fetish is so common that it never occurred to me to write about it, let alone elevate it to Freak of the Week. THAT is how common it is. So there I was, sitting on the massage table (fully clothed) patiently waiting as my fully naked customer was kneeling in front of me - my right foot in one hand, himself in the other – when it suddenly dawned on me that some people may consider this odd. So today I will talk about the Foot Lovers.

Of all the fetishes I’ve seen, I would definitely say that foot worshiping is the most common. Now before I go on about foot stuff, I have a theory as to why we see so many of them here at The Business. It’s not because PA is home to the most pervs who are into feet - I think it’s because massage parlors are the most ideal place to cater to their needs.

Let me explain… Any full service place would gladly take them as customers, but for the most part, the foot guys are not interested in sticking their dicks in anything. So why pay for full service when there’s an alternative? The guys that I’ve talked to about it say that in a brothel, they don’t really know how to accommodate a guy who just wants access to a girls feet. For example, they would pay $60 for the door fee, another $200 for a full-service session, AND THEN another $100 or more for “fetish” stuff.

Since a massage parlor isn’t supposed to be full service, our prices are lower and clothing options are available. So if a guy just wants to look at my feet and take care of his own hand release, then he’s looking at $45 at the door, $60 for the fully-clothed option, and maybe an additional $60 for my “foot fee” ($100 if you want to cum ON my feet). So massage parlors just make economic sense, which is important in these trying times.

Anyway, back to the foot worshippers. There are a number of different kinks including:

Toe sucking
High heels
Leg humping
Pantyhose/socks
Foot release
Toenail polish (yes, some guy paid me to do my toes)
Foot massage

The most common are toe sucking followed by a foot release. With the foot release, I usually sit down while the guy gets on his knees (or lies on his back), holds my feet together and then slides his cock in between. Another variation has me on my back with my feet in the air while he fucks my feet from a standing position. And they almost always end with cum on the feet. I don’t mind, I just charge a little extra for it.

Some guys are just kinda turned on by it, and want to see my bare feet during a normal session (one guy insisted I keep wiggling my toes). Then they go all the way to the hardcore “I only wanna see your feet” kind. I LOVE those guys! They only take up 15 minutes of your time, you only have to take off your shoes and socks, and THEY do all the work! LOL.

My customer yesterday was one of them. Easiest session I’ve had in a while. He was new to The Business and he had trouble asking for what he wanted. Luckily I’m quite skilled in the language of the foot, so I quickly figured out what he wanted. I swear, he looked like a kid in a candy store as soon as I went over some of the foot-friendly options I offer. He settled on the barefooted, do-it-yourself Happy Ending, with jizz on the side (or the #2 as I like to call it). What was unique about the session was that he insisted on getting completely naked himself, except for his socks and shoes (yes, he put his shoes BACK on).

So I guess there are a few foot enthusiasts out there who are a little odd as well.

CJ

The Inner Circle

As I've been trying to figure out who the fuck's been telling people where I work, I have sorted out my friends into the "knows" and "don't knows." Some of you may be shocked to hear this, but the career field of Erotic Masseuse is not necessarily cherished and respected by all aspects of polite society. In fact, some would go so far as to hold us in less esteem than say "Hooter's Waitress."

So we are forced to keep a low profile. Now most of my friends and family know that I'm an LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist). The whole "shampooer" thing I only use with guys I meet, or anyone else annoying who just has to know what I do for a living (like salespeople).

Out of all those people, most of them think I work in a normal day spa. Then there are the privileged few who know I don't work for a "normal" spa. I'd say maybe a dozen or so know this. What they think is that I work in a massage parlor where all the girls wear bikinis. I would call these people the "Outer Circle" because they have an idea that it's not a normal massage place, but they know better than to ask too many questions. This group consists mostly of close friends, a couple ex-boyfriends, and my sister.

Then there is the "Inner Circle." This is the handful of people who know exactly what I do for a living. If you don't include co-workers (current and ex), Ex-boyfriends (who I confessed to), and customers-turned-friends, there are exactly 4 people who know I'm an Erotic Masseuse. Now if you add in the co-workers, ex's, and customers-turned-friends, that number jumps up to maybe 2 dozen.

And that's not a bad number to manage when you live in a small town where everyone knows your business. And for the most part, they've all proven to be trustworthy (except for that slip up last week).

As for this blog thing... I can safely say that only 3 people in the whole world know about it. That's 2 co-workers and my Techno-Geek that helps me with the computer/internet stuff. And that's it. Luckily, no customers have surprised me yet with "Have you read this blog called 'HappyEndingz?' I think you'd enjoy it."

So my secret identity is still safe for now!

CJ

Close Call

For those of you who've bothered to read some of the old crap I've talked about here, you know that I usually tell guys I meet that I'm a "shampooer" at a local day spa. Well for those of you who are new here, I usually tell guys I meet that I'm a "shampooer" at a local day spa. LOL

And that hasn't changed. As you may remember, I went online a while ago to try the internet dating thing. Since then I still give the old song-and-dance whenever someone asks me what I do for a living. It just simplifies things - believe me.

Anyway, the online thing has just gotten so boring. I will be the first to tell you that I give good chat. I can chat a guy up like you wouldn't believe, but the minute they ask for a phone number, I totally freeze up. I don't know what it is - everything completely changes on the phone for me.

Let me put it another way... I think since I went on the computer, I've chatted with probably a couple dozen guys (yes, I'm a chat slut), talked to maybe 5, and actually met only 2. And those 2 lasted only 1 date each.

Ya know, I think my problem is that I'm a real Fuck-em-and-leave-em kinda girl. When I really want to get laid, I usually just pick a friend of a friend of a friend who I know I'll never see again, and I just go for it. And with 3 degrees of separation, it's really easy to ditch them afterwards without offending any of my close friends.

Now a guy's gotta really rock my world for me to want to see him again. And unfortunately, this is the formula that I have inevitably used to find my last couple of loser boyfriends. Great in the sack? - you're in. Got a job and you're nice to your mother? - get lost.

And that brings me to Archie. I'll call him "Archie" because he has that clean-cut, nerdy kinda look of the comic book Archie (as opposed to my other male friend "Brad Pitt Clone" who looks like Ben Affleck). He's completely unlike anyone I've ever met. And by that I mean he's a friend of a friend. Yikes - That's a whole friend closer!!! That puts him within reach of my inner circle of friends, which for me is waaaaaaaay too close for comfort for reasons that you will see.

Now before you start thinking I'm a total whore - I have not done anything with Archie. We just met for Gawd's sake. But we did have a good time chatting last week when a bunch of us got together at a local bar. At first I thought he was interesting and nice, but without that extra "friend" of separation, I wrote him off as off-limits. Well, it turns out that he's the persistent kind, so he made a few inquiries and found out where to find me!

And to make things more interesting, he bypassed the whole surprise phone call thing and decided to surprise me at work.

AT WORK!!!!!!

Now I don't know who the fucking bitch-skank-whore-slut-pig-dog is who told this guy where I work (but I do have my suspicions JANE), but I have to now deal with the problem. So there I am, hanging out at the back door having a smoke after a particularly grueling session with a 300 lbs. trucker with erectile dysfunction issues, when I get a shout out from Audrey at the desk.

"Hey CJ! There's someone here to see you!"

Normally a scheduled appointment would just be booked in and led into the room by whoever's at the front desk, so this is odd. I stamp out my cigarette and walk up front. Let me tell ya - my heart skipped a beat when I saw Archie standing there. It's not the first time I've been surprised by someone at work, but it doesn't get any easier each time it happens.

"Uhhhhhhh... Hey you" I managed to say. "What are you doing here?" Notice it's not "Good to see you" or "What a nice surprise!"

He can tell I'm surprised, but he can't tell it's in a bad way. "Hi CJ. I just thought I'd stop by and..." (Time froze right here. I was terrified he was going to ask to be shown around) "... take you out to lunch."

PHEW! Time started moving again. You see, as a "shampooer" I would need rinsing sinks to shampoo in. Also, salon chairs, mirrors, racks of hair products, and all the other stuff you need in a day spa. Thank Gawd most guys have no idea what a day spa is supposed to look like (at first glance, our lobby looks like that of a tanning salon).

Audrey gave me a shit-eating grin. "I said it was fine! Go you two - have a good time." Grin grin grin.

To make a long story short, I got him the fuck outta there. Last thing I needed was for Archie to see some seedy looking guys coming in to "get their hair done." I made him take me to a McDonald's a good distance away where we made small talk for half an hour. I also got the message across that he was to never do that again - but in a nice way.

He tried to squeeze a real date out of me, but I talked him down to a scheduled phone call instead. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but scaring the shit outta me at work is -1000 points right there. He's either an old fashioned romantic, or a stalker. It's still too early to tell.

But he does have a job. LOL

CJ

Preaching to the Choir

It's funny - I really wasn't expecting anyone to comment about what I said on Saturday. But you guys still had some interesting things to say.

The reason why massage therapists require licenses is the same reason why plumbers need licenses. You wouldn't want any idiot with a wrench to call himself a plumber would you? As for us masseuses, we don't want anyone who thinks they know how to give a back rub to advertise therapeutic, pre-natal, or sports massage.

Then there's the erotic massage. If you ask me, I think most girls who do this for a living aren't qualified. Perhaps they need licenses too! I mean, any skank can give a handjob (up, down, repeat as needed), but what else are you gonna do for the other 30 minutes?

And that's why erotic massage is such a weird thing for the authorities to be concerned with. The actual happy ending portion is only 10% of the session - the rest is massage (or it normally is anyways.). Now in a brothel, you could spend your entire 30 minutes fucking and sucking. That's 100% of the session dedicated to an "illegal" activity. Compare that to us - why that's 10 times more illegal than we are!!!!

So it's a damn shame when I hear that one of you guys found a provider on the internet or wherever, and then the session went really bad. I mean - it gives the rest of us a bad name.

Case in point... I have a friend (we'll call him "Bill") who found a local provider on the internet and went to her place for an erotic massage. He ends up in this really dirty, skanky apartment - the kind where you actually worry about finding a clean spot to leave your clothes.

Anyway, he meets this woman and she spends the beginning of the session texting on her cell phone, and smoking like a chimney. "Bill" is expecting a sensual massage with happy ending... maybe negotiate a little something "extra" towards the end. Now before he can ask for any options, she puts out the cigarette and immediately wraps her mouth around his cock!!!!

Needless to say, the session ended quite quickly. So much for the massage. So much for the anticipation. So much for the happy ending.

And that's why I think we should start licensing erotic massage therapists, instead of driving them out of business. It's for the consumers protection.


CJ
Consumer Advocate

To The Guy Looking For A "High Quality" Massage With Happy Ending...

Don't worry...

Several states in the northeast are trying to implement some new laws forbidding anyone without an LMT license to advertise "massage" services. PA plans to start cracking down on massage parlors next year by fining businesses and individuals without licenses, or with less than 5 years of "documented" experience. Other states are even shooting for jail time!!!

So if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a Business like ours that still employs LMTs to do the dirty work. The bad news is that it'll shut down a lot of the smaller places, and the ones that are full service.

The problem of course is that it'll be tough to implement. A lot of Businesses pay girls under the table so there's no proof that you've hired anyone without a license. And the Asian places have the ability to shut down in 1 day and open the next since a lot of them work out of rented houses instead of actual office space.

Then there's the internet and Craigslist. People will still be advertising their non-licensed services and it'll be almost impossible to track those people down. So in the end, it really is just a big waste of the cops time.

So just hang in there! Pretty soon all the amateurs will have to resort to "back alley" massages! LOL

CJ

HappyEndingz - International Edition: South of the Border

Since I mentioned Mexico last time, it reminded me of a funny story. So I've decided to make it the 2nd installment in my series on "HappyEndingz - International Edition."

I had this Regular who used to travel all over the country for work. He told me this story about the time he decided to break in the new guy on the crew by taking him to a strip club in Tijuana or something. Remember what I said last time about how in Mexico there's no distinction between strip clubs and brothels? Well, apparently it wasn't uncommon to see the girls blowing customers under the tables in this joint - it was that bad.

So the new guy - Kevin - is the guest of honor and the guys buy him rounds of shots till he's nice and happy. That's when they introduce him to a very lovely girl...

"Hello there. My name is Kevin, what's your name?"

"Maria."

"That's a very pretty name. It's nice to meet you Maria."

"Hola Keveeen."

"This is a cool place. You like working here?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"This is my first job. I just graduated from the University of Tennessee. Where did you go to school?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"I guess it's OK so far. The guys here are all pretty cool. Do you like the girls you work with?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"So uh... How much to go upstairs?"

Upstairs is where most of the action took place. Maria leads Kevin in to a pitch black room and sits him in a chair. Without a word, she undoes his pants and pulls them down around his ankles. She starts blowing him and apparently he's loving it, but after a few shots he's too relaxed to cum quickly. He starts to moan and Maria quickly puts a finger to his lips. She takes his dick out of her mouth long enough to whisper "shhhhhhhh."

A couple minutes go by and he's starting to get into it when suddenly he's blinded by the room lights coming on. Kevin blinks a few times and looks around... the place is packed with other guys silently getting blowjobs.

And standing at the door with his finger on the light switch is the biggest, toughest, meanest looking Mexican he's ever seen. He gives the entire room a dirty look and says loudly "30 dollars."

Kevin looks down at Maria for help. She just kinda shrugs her shoulders as if this is a normal part of foreplay for any blowjob.

The Big Guy begins to walk around the room taking a collection. When he finally gets to Kevin, he asks "So does this include the 15 dollars I already paid downstairs?"

Apparently the Big Guy isn't used to questions, but is more than happy to entertain them. He thinks for a moment and answers in his best english "30 dollars."

"Yes, but what I'm asking is whether this includes the money I paid downstairs, or is it on top of that?"

"30 dollars."

"I understand that it's 30 dollars now. But if you're saying that it's an addtional 30 dollars above the 15 I've already paid, then I think that's unfair considering..."

After a very lively debate with the Big Guy that ended with the words "30 dollars," Kevin realized just how weak his position was (sitting in a chair, pants down around his ankles, half limp dick in the hands of a pretty Mexican prostitute, under the shadow of a very large Mexican man) so he dug into his wallet and handed the money over.

With the last of the money collected, the lights went back out again. Poor Kevin was a bit shaken by all this, so he apologized to a very confused Maria that he couldn't finish. With a very concerned note in her voice, she inquired "Sucky fucky 15 dollars?"

He just got up and went back downstair. He never saw the lovely Maria ever again, but his co-workers didn't stop laughing about it until long after they came back across the border.

And they said NAFTA wouldn't work.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Sex Toy

I got the comment the other day asking "What's the difference between a 'strict business transaction' and you being a 'rented sex toy' if you charge someone $50 to do something sexual to you?"

I didn't find it offensive, but I did find it annoying. It's an attitude that's not uncommon with some of the newbies out there that comes from a naive understanding of what goes on in a massage parlor. Well lucky for you guys - that's why I'm here... to teach you guys about these things!

First off, let me explain that an erotic masseuse (or any other person in the so-called "sex industry") is NOT a sex toy. A sex toy is a piece of plastic that you can do whatever perverted thing you want with. An erotic masseuse is a girl who provides a relaxing massage followed by a happy ending, usually performed with the hands.

Hey - we provide a service just like anyone else in the service industry where everything is negotiated up front. Would you walk up to a waitress and take whatever food she's carrying? No. Just because she's "your" waitress, doesn't mean she's carrying "your" food. Calling a masseuse a "sex toy" is like calling a waitress a "stove." (And bravo to the guy who said "accountant" vs. "adding machine"!)

It's the same thing with us. When you're in my session room, you have to negotiate for services rendered just like anyone else. What some of the newbies assume (incorrectly) is that they "own" us for the next 30 minutes and can do whatever they damn well please because they're paying for it. They start off all pushy and grabby, and then act surprised when you tell them to back off. I got news for ya - you're not paying to remove the word "No" from my vocabulary. That seems to be the biggest misconception about "sex workers" in general - that anything goes just because cash is involved.

Case in point - About 2 months ago, I had a Mexican guy come in and ask for a 30 minute session. When I joined him in the room, he was sitting in the chair fully clothed, but with his pants down around his ankles. When I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he said he just wanted a blow job. I told him this is not that kind of place and he started to argue with me. Apparently he didn't understand the difference between a massage parlor and a brothel.

Now when I pointed out that this guy was "Mexican" it's because in Mexico (so I've been told) there is virtually no difference between a brothel, massage parlor or strip club. Down there they are all one and the same. I didn't get offended by him, I just had to carefully explain things to him. When it finally registered with him what I do for a living, we both had a laugh and he settled in to a normal session.

I hope this clear things up for some of you out there. Now go on out there and get some massages. I had to work on Saturday and business was totally dead!

CJ

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace - Or What Do You Call Inappropriate When Ass-Pinching is in Your Job Description?

Today I thought I'd get serious for once. I got some really interesting comments the other day on my post about stealing a business. So that got me thinking about some of the other shit that we have to put up with in this line of work - both from customers and bosses.

Let's start with customers...

For the most part, the customers are usually respectful and know what is or isn't allowed. Let me point out here to those of you who haven't tried your first erotic massage yet - NEVER ASSUME WHAT YOU CAN DO IN SESSION, ALWAYS ASK FIRST. In other words, ask before you touch. I can't stand it when some asshole thinks he can start grabbing my breasts or rear end as soon as I walk in the room. I allow touch "within reason" and I appreciate it when the customer asks permission first.

So consider yourself lucky - where else is it perfectly normal to ask "Pardon me ma'am, but may I fondle your breasts?" See? that wasn't so bad, was it? It's just standard massage parlor etiquette. Heck, I recently had a customer ask me very politely if he could finger my asshole. I politely declined, but the point is that he ASKED FIRST (then I told him that he might want to try Cindy next time - LOL).

Probably the most common form of harassment from the customers is the grabby kind. - guys that are just constantly grabbing, pinching, or squeezing something. Remember - no touch is welcome until you ask first. That's true of any place you go to. So when a guy starts to act like an octopus, I generally just tell him to either back off, or fork over an extra $50. You would be surprised to see how well that works when you put a dollar amount on harassment. It's really funny - once the customers realize that I'm not a rented sex toy and that this is just a strict business transaction, they start to act professional as well. I think it's a guy thing.

When a guy just won't lay off, or is disrespectful in other ways, I just say "hit the road." Letting some asshole ruin my day is NEVER worth the cash. In my room, I'm in charge and I make the rules - not the customers cash.

Then there are the bosses...

The most common form of harassment from a boss is usually the "Pay to Play" kind. In other words, he wants a little action on the side if you want to keep your job.

I've only worked for 1 guy who tried that shit on me. I think it was the second place I worked at, and the guy bought the business and assumed management. He had no clue what he was doing, and he just assumed he was this Big Old Pimp Daddy, and we were his Ho's. He tried his shit on everyone, until one by one we all left. What these guys don't understand is that a Business is just that - a business. If you fuck with the employees, they will fuck with you.

But in every Business there will be some girls who are like "what's another blowjob?" when they're pulling down big bucks during their shift. Heck - even I've given away the occasional handjob as a favor, but that still doesn't make it right.

Now if you want to see true "harassment" in the workplace, you gotta go to the mob-run Asian places. There, the girls live on the premises, aren't allowed to leave, and never see any of the money they earn. Don't believe me? In all my years in the Business, I have NEVER worked with an Asian girl. No one around here has either - because they just never leave the premises.

I hope you guys have been paying attention during my little lecture. To summarize - the next time you want to stick your finger up your co-workers ass - remember to ask first.

CJ

Confessions of an Anonymous Masseuse

It's funny - I get a couple requests a week from you guys to see me in session. Some are as simple as "I'll be your way next Thursday. Can I see you around 1?" All the way up to "I know this is gonna sound weird, and you'll probably say no, but here goes anyway..."

One paticularly flattering guy said he was willing to drive 10 hours to see me! LOL Now if only I could get my old Regulars to get off their assess and do the same, I'd be happy. I thought one of the more unique requests was from a guy who wanted to visit with his girlfriend so she could "study" my infamous double-handed criss-cross technique (demonstrated on him of course). Now if your girlfriend is willing to take a lesson in handjobs - THAT is love.

Unfortunately, if I want to maintain this tell-all blog thing, then I can't see any one! And you know what - I think that totally sucks. You guys should all write your congressman and demand to make massage parlors legal. Stand up for your rights! (no pun intended).

Now before you all make up posters and T-shirts and chain yourself to City Hall, let me leave you with 1 last story. This was perhaps the most creative request ever to see me.

Imagine this...

You fly into Philly International Airport. At the curb, there is a limo waiting. The windows are blackened, and the chaffeur will not talk to you. He takes your bags and issues you into the car. During the drive, you have absolutely no idea where you are going. the twists and turns in the road reveal nothing. In fact, the limo may take a few unnecessary turns just to throw you off.

At last, the limo comes to a complete stop. For the first time, you hear the limo driver talk. He simply instructs you to put on a blindfold that is sitting on the seat in front of you. After it's snugly on, he finally comes around and lets you out of the car. You are escorted a few steps left, right and then straight. A door is opened and you hear a little electronic chime letting you that you have just entered "The Business."

A friendly female voice welcomes you and takes your hand. She leads you a few more steps into a room. You are instructed to keep the blindfold on as unfamiliar hands begin to undress you. When you are ready, you're led to a massage table, helped on and told to "make yourself comfortable."

You lean back and relax as she leaves. A few moments later, you hear the door open and close. Instead of a voice, you hear the soft rustle of fabric. There's a slight noise made as a shirt hits the floor. You hear the unmistakeable snap of a bra being undone. Then a zipper and more quiet noises as a pair of pants joins the shirt.

Finally, a different set of unfamiliar hands begins to softly caress your lower legs, and slowly work their way up to your head where they remove the blindfold.

"Hi, I'm CJ."

So, think that would work?

CJ

Confessions of an Internet Superstar

Audrey was surfing the web the other day when she found a couple new references to The Business in one of those adult review websites. Every couple of weeks I also check. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.

Someone took the time to give a review on Audrey, Trina and myself. Each one of us had a different post. The guy said that Audrey was "OK in the face," gave a decent massage and an enjoyable happy ending. No mention of full service, so I'm guessing our anonymous reviewer must not be one of her Regulars.

My review consisted of "cute" blonde with "fabulous tits." Thanks guy. But I got annoyed because he said that during the massage I "bounced" The Girls off his back. I have no clue what he's talking about because I never do that. If you look at the height of the massage tables, it would be really tough for me to lean that much over the customer. The guy must be full of shit and I doubt he was ever my customer. I was mad but Audrey just laughed it off and told me not to worry about it. Easy for her to say - she got a decent review.

Then there was Trina's.

This asshole had nothing nice to say about her. Basically he went on and on about how she's ugly and overweight and has no business working in a parlor. Nothing about her massages, so I wonder if he was ever a customer of hers. Or maybe he was just one of those assholes who got pissed off when she wouldn't offer him full service. Shit like that happens often.

About a year ago we found a review of us in one of those local "Yellow Pages" type of sites. That really surprised us because it's meant for things like pizza parlors and car mechanics. But there we were - 3 reviews of The Business.

One was very nice and didn't say anything that would make you think we were anything less than a regular day spa. Then the other 2 reviews were obviously written by the same person under different names. They were both posted on the same day and basically trashed us.

The first said we were nothing but a whorehouse and that we had no right being in business and the police should come close us down, Blah blah blah. Now the other post I thought was funny. It was all about Audrey and how she's a man-stealing skank, and no one in their right mind should let their husbands go to this place, etc., etc.

Personally, I thought it was close to the mark. But for whatever reasons, Audrey was freaked out by it. So I called my personal Techno-Geek and asked him if he could do something about it. He made a few inquiries and figured out how to have the bad reviews deleted.

Every couple of months we'll find a new reference to The Business on the internet. I'm paranoid about them because they usually use my real name. If anyone I know ever put 2 and 2 together, I may be in trouble. But apart from the whole Everyone-Knows-What-I-Do-For-A-Living thing, the posts are usually not bad. I know I'm a good masseuse, and the reviews usually say I give a good massage and I'm not full service. That and "fabulous tits" anyway.

A friend of mine recently showed me some websites of callgirls. I was amazed that these girls show pictures, prices, descriptions and even reviews!!! I was shocked - I mean the thought of anyone I knew seeing me up on the internet like that.

Now imagine if erotic massage were perfectly normal and legal... The Business could have a website showing hours, directions, prices and even pictures of us! Talk about customer service. I've seen actual websites like this, but they were usually in places like New Zealand where it's legal (Hmmmmmmm... idea for next "Happyendingz - International"). A reader once forwarded me a site for a massage business that was questionable. It didn't really give away anything, or even use common code words or lingo, so I was surprised to learn that he actually got a happy ending there.

So there you have it guys - I'm actually floating around out there in cyberspace if you're lucky enough to find me. Here's an idea for a new contest... The first customer to get me in session and mention the word "HappyEndingz" gets a free double. Good luck!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Gynocologist

I've noticed an interesting trend lately. For the last year, Audrey has been getting more and more appointments while the rest of us have been getting less and less. Well, over the last month or so that has been changing. What I think is that customers were getting lured away since she cuts her prices. But now I think that guys are just getting sick of her bad attitude and are willing to spend the REGULAR price for a better quality session. Either that or the economy is getting better!

It's nice that we're finally starting to see some old Regulars come back. But every once in a while I'll get a guy who Audrey can keep for all I care. Last night's customer is a perfect example.

Let's call this guy Daniel. This guy has always been an Audrey Regular until yesterday. He obviously didn't want to see her because he knows her schedule. I didn't say anything when I recognized him, but I did smile to myself knowing that she has another defector.

He booked an hour then asked for a mutual. "Mr. Moneybags" I thought. Usually her old customers take 30 minutes, then demand a topless for half price. This was refreshing.

Daniel insisted on massaging me first. When I got on the table, he told me to lay on my back which I thought was odd since you normally massage the back first, then end with the breasts. He wanted to depart from proper massage etiquette and go straight for The Girls, which is kinda like having dessert before the appetizer. But it was his dime, so I didn't complain.

He moves over to the table and starts kneading my left breast with his fingertips. "I'm going to give you a breast exam." he says matter-of-factly. "I'm looking for any lumps." He's not smiling when he says this, instead he's dead serious. Now I'm used to guys making small talk during session, but it's usually along the lines of "So you like working here?" It's really funny the kinds of things guys will say when they've got 2 handfuls of breast, and they want to look like they do this all the time.

"Let me know if you find any Dan" I manage to say. At least he's not squeezing them or trying to pinch my nipples.

"Call me Doctor Johnson."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... so that's his kink. He thinks he's a doctor. I can play along. I told him that I recently saw my gynecologist and that really got Daniel going. He must have asked me 20 questions about it - and I mean the real technical kind too. Apparently Dan is REALLY into gynecology, which is odd considering he's a salesman for roofing supplies.

While I'm answering his questions, I eventually mentioned a speculum. Let me tell ya - this was Daniels happy button. He had me go into detail about the speculum, meanwhile I noticed that he started playing with himself. I tried to sneak a peek, but he kept it hidden below the edge of the massage table. So now he was rubbing my right breast with his right hand, and taking care of business with his left while I just lied there talking about my last gyno visit. I was only hoping that he wouldn't make a mess on the side of my table.

Daniel was a good boy and didn't stain anything in the room. He got bored with The Girls and then told me to switch spots (what a rip - 20 minutes of getting my breasts poked and I don't even get a back rub!). Unlike Dan, I follow proper massage etiquette and start on his shoulders, then work my way down his back.

But he still wants to talk about that damn speculum. "I have one you know. I like to use it on my girlfriend." I tried to change the subject, but he just presses on. "Yeah... I like to get her nice and wide open. Then I look inside her with a flashlight." At this point I'm starting to see where this is going. "I'd like to bring it in next time. Would you mind?"

Phew! At least he doesn't have it with him. But now I'm thinking that if he's one of Audrey's Regulars, then you know he's been using it on her. Yuck. I pretend like I might be into it just so he'll give up more info. As he talks, I learn he doesn't have a girlfriend (what a surprise), but instead does this with "a special lady" he sees regularly. If by "special" he means slow, then he must mean Audrey.

Finally we get to the end part he acts a little confused when I start to rub the oil on his dick. When I ask him what's wrong he says "Uhhhh... I haven't gone down on you yet."

I want to scream "Ewww Ewww Ewww Ewwww!" but instead I give him a polite "I'm sorry... but I don't offer that as an option." He's obviously used to doing this with Audrey so I hope he takes a hint and doesn't ask for me again. Daniel is quiet during the hand release (fine by me), but he actually thanks me afterwards and tips me an extra $20.

That was nice of him, but I really really really don't want him to show up next time with his own speculum and flashlight, expecting me to call him Doctor.

CJ